In so many ways, life is great at the moment. I'm getting ready to marry the man I love. My family are mostly all well and happy, my sisters are newly married, one's just had a lovely baby. But I'm not really happy.
I'm panicking about finishing my MA. I'm not sure I want to do it anymore. My dissertation seems irrelevant and too hard. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. The plan I had of a PhD and research seems impossible now. If I can't do the MA, how can I do anything else? I lost the habit of reading while I was depressed and so far it's not really come back. Reading makes me anxious. I read faster and faster until I get to the point where I can't read any faster and it's too stressful and I give up. For someone who used to read constantly and have several novels on the go at any one time, this is weird and uncharacteristic. It feels like I've lost a large part of my identity.
Identity is probably the biggest thing that's making me feel unsettled. Everything is changing. I'm not sure who I am now, or who I'm going to be. I just turned 30. I'm working part time in a job that pays the bills, but isn't something I want to do long term. What job should I be doing? My potential academic career seems to be over before it started. I'm going to be a wife soon. I want to be a mother. Will that be satisfying? What will I do?
I'm seeing a counsellor again, which is useful in helping me tease some of these things apart, but oh so painful. Everything gets stirred up and I feel so much worse after our sessions. I don't want to confront all this stuff. I just want to curl up in bed with knitting and chocolate and stay warm and safe and away from the scary world. I thought this was just a simple problem of getting over the psychological barrier of panic I get when I try to read. I thought I'd dealt with this stuff in getting over my depression last year. It seems not. There's more to be sorted and more to understand. I know these things take time, I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself and expect everything to get sorted overnight. But oh mouse, I am so tired of swimming in this pool of tears.
I am being looked after. Rob's love and acceptance and hugs are wonderful. I just want to feel sorted and not confused anymore.
Prayers, kind words and hugs much appreciated.
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteJust relax and do something different for a while.
ReplyDeleteMassive virtual hug coming from here - if you're at KTog tomorrow afternoon, I'll give you a real one... It's amazing how out of sorts with circumstances our heads can be, sometimes...
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Sadly she wont be there else I would have been too. She's run away for the weekend to a confeence i think.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure she'll appreciate the virtual hug though.
Yes, we're in Oxfnord. BP has gone to the Christian literary conference.
ReplyDeleteHP - you're not HP anymore!
Tis true. But I have little idea how to change it!
ReplyDeletePlus, you're not RobHu anymore either!
ReplyDeleteI am and will always be RobHu...
ReplyDeleteChanging one's surname is relatively easy. Changing one's user name on many computer systems is extremely difficult to do, and so I will always be RobHu.
Hi, I found your blog a bit randomly. Dissertations are hard, don't worry. But I wanted to recommend the book 'Writing your Thesis in 15 minutes per day'. It's really really comforting, and I think (from what little I've read here) that it would work well with your creative side and in helping you overcome your fear of reading/writing. It's about making the things you're supposed to love, like your research, fun again. Tom
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