Being a grownup is hard

They make it look so easy when you're small. But then you grow up and discover it's quite hard. And then you discover the grownups you thought were good at it are just as bad at stuff as you are. And this is not reassuring.

Pigwotflies is going on hiatus to do some growing up. I'll be back on my birthday, 13th October. Do leave me a comment and say hello or ask me a question and I will answer.

Pigwotknits will still be open for business.

Monday

It's really not been a good day. :-(

This weekend was good. I went knitting on Saturday, made pear loaf, cut up many pears and froze them, cooked paella. Yesterday I went to church, which was brilliant, went to a birthday lunch, ate yummy roast dinner, sat in the sunshine, knitted, went to church again (St Barnabus) which was pretty good, went to the Cambridge Blue and made plans.

And then it was Monday and I had to go to work. And I said entirely the wrong thing on the phone this morning through trying to be helpful. And yet again I've been avoiding things I need to do. And then got some sad news about some friends. So, um, not really a good day. Perhaps Tuesday will be better.

Trying to remind myself that God is big. And my complaints and fears and I are really rather small.

Friday spider

Still down. Thanks for the encouragement, Andree.

Did some phoning today, was sort of OK.
Still feeling overwhelmed by stuff. Lost in a maze of things to do.

Weekend = a Good Thing.

Bekki hates phones

Really. I do. I can cope with ringing my family, obviously, because they're non-scary. And with ringing people on mobiles, because, generally, you get the person whose mobile it is and that's all fine and predictable but I hate hate HATE using the phone at work. And this is a very bad thing. I always have a long list of things to do and I always leave the things that involve phoning people up as long as possible and stress about it and hope the thing will go away and of course it doesn't and I just get stressed and then the phonecall goes badly because I'm stressed and it all gets worse and worse and worse.

and...breathe.

But seriously, most of the things I'm stressed about at work involve phoning people up and I'm tying myself up in knots trying to figure out how to cope. What on earth am I, the phone-hating, not much of a people person if the people involved are strangers and I've got to ask them for things, get on with stuff quietly in my little corner person doing in a job that's supposed to involve lots of phoning people up, with a large helping of cheek and networking. I'm bad at networking. I'm bad at phonecalls. I'm bad at about 70% of my job. What am I doing here?

Trying to remind myself that I'm excited about the big picture of what my job does and there are things I love about it and God's put me here for a reason and maybe this is time to conquer my fear and learn something new. But right now, I just want to crawl under the desk and cry until all the scary things I have to do have gone away.

Aren't you supposed to get more mature and sensible and maybe confident as you get older? Not working on me right now. No confidence in my ability to do anything, feeling very immature and not very good at anything.

Stopping now. Really will cry if I go on much longer.

magnolia Wednesday

magnolia, Ely, originally uploaded by the pig wot flies.

No reason, just pretty flowers.

And puzzlement. Why is a wonky picture of a building in Melton Mowbray, taken on a cameraphone, getting about 5 times as many viewings as any of the other pictures in my flickr photostream?

Because I am not the only person in the world.

And I just have a cold, it's not the end of the world.

And some people might be having a rather worse day, for rather more serious reasons.

Apologies for my bad mood.

Five years ago today I was unemployed and at home. I remember hearing on the radio that a plane had crashed into a building in New York. And then a second. I went and turned on the telly and saw the footage, endlessly repeated, of the second plane crashing.

Debs says we saw the planes crashing when we were in Argos. I remember going to Argos later in the day and seeing the aftermath. One of us must be wrong. Memory is an unreliable elephant.

Did we realise then how much the world was going to change?

grumpy morning

It's Monday. I have a cold, which is making my head and throat hurt. It's not bad enough to stay at home though. I have lots to do and people keep having more ideas of thigns I should do. I need to phone people up and coldy heads and phonecalls don't mix very well.

Grr.

Is it Friday yet?

not quite as bad as expected

Last night I played a cello* for the first time in about two years. And it didn't sound as terrible as I feared it might. I shall have to bring some music back next time I go to London and see if I can still play anything. I'd like to have another crack at Bach's cello suites. I played some of suite 1 while I was still having lessons and one movement (the Courante, I think) was one of my grade 6 pieces. I now know all the suites very well, having listened to them over and over and I'm hoping that might help my ability to play them. I'd really like to be able to play in worship, but I'm so constrained by having to have music in front of me. Perhaps I should try to teach myself chord structures or just sit and play along to the radio for hours and see if I get any better at turning the music in my head into finger and arm movements. Anyway, it was a pleasant suprise to find I could still make a tuneful noise.

*Sophia has a cello because a friend of hers is trying to teach her to play it.

better than expected

M11 rainbow, originally uploaded by the pig wot flies.

I've had my cameraphone for about a year now and sometimes I remember to take photos on it and sometimes I don't. Up to now I hadn't found a way of getting the photos off it. I have the right USB cable and the software, but not owning my own computer meant I couldn't install the software anywhere. Now I found a way to get stuff off my phone by Bluetoothing it to the office Mac. Some of the results are on my flickr and I'm rather pleased with them.

Overall, it's a bit hit and miss. Too bright or too dark and everything looks terrible. But it seems to be quite good at taking snaps of people in daylight at not too far away. I'll have to do some more playing and see what I can do.