dust bunnies

Oh dear! It's been a very long time, hasn't it. What has happened?

• I have a job. Since May I have been working 4 (short) days a week. I started on a 5 month contract and about a month ago it was made permanent.
• I am feeling a lot better. Having a job and a routine and a reason to get out of the house each day clearly helps me keep my ME under control. The first couple of months of working were very hard. I'd come home from work and sleep for an hour and I'd be exhausted at the end of the week. But over time, that got better. I've found a working pattern that suits me (4 5.5 hour days, day off on Wednesday, a flexi time system that makes dealing with the odd bad day much easier) and it's sustainable. This is pretty huge, really.
• I am not enjoying winter much. We're getting a couple of light boxes (an alarm clock and a portable light box) to see if that will help me.

Otherwise, life continues to plod on. It's ok. Not dramatic, not terrible, just life. Actually, thinking of the drama (especially health drama) of the last two years, that's a very good thing.

two tiny triumphs and a footnote which threatens to overwhelm them

Two small things which are probably totally obvious to most people, but which I have only just realised today and which made me happy on a stressful¹ day:

* If I use waterproof mascara (this astoundingly good value one in brown/black), I can wear it all day and not get black smudges under my eyes.

* If I place a plate over the top of the bowl when microwaving frozen sweetcorn, I don't get sweetcorn all over the microwave.

1: Our flat is currently somewhat chaotic due to our discovering mould in our (lovely, tres expensive) mattress a week ago. This has meant the disposal of the old mattress, the purchase of a new mattress, lots and lots of cleaning things with bleach (mostly carried out by Rob as I am deemed too high risk to be playing with noxious chemicals (too high risk because of my health I mean, not too high risk because I'm clumsy (although he might have had that in mind too))), the repainting of a wall (to be carried out tomorrow) and a new bedroom carpet (due Saturday). Hence currently half the contents of the bedroom are in the living room (to be joined by the other half before the carpet man comes) and we're sleeping on the sofa. This is all a little bit stressful, but at least we know when it will end. Although I still need to buy a new mattress protector and a blackout blind. (Love this one, very tempted by this one. Of course neither is currently in stock in the size we need. Any thoughts?)

lost things

A list of things I once owned, which I have lost or got rid of and wish I still owned.

* Eyelash curlers
* Purple false eyelashes
* A blue t-shirt with a fierce toothy fish on
* A pair of wide-legged dark red cords
* Several lipsticks, including white, dark burgundy red and clover pink.
* A pair of black leather gloves
* Life, a User's Manuel by George Perec
* Imagine: A Christian Vision for the Arts by Steve Turner
* Silver mascara

New year, new thinking

Hey there! I said I was going to blog more and then I went quiet. Oops.
Without further apology, here are my resolutions for 2012.

Read more
OK, so last year did contain a fair amount of reading (you can't do an English Literature MA without reading a few books) but most of it was study reading rather than fun reading. I seem to have got out of the habit of reading novels for fun. I want to get back into that.

Write more
I like writing. Sometimes I think I might be OK at it. But I rarely do much. Also, when I do, I tend to just write and call it done. I rarely go back and edit. I noticed while writing my dissertation that although to get something done initially, I just had to write something, ANYTHING! just to get some words on paper. But if I then went back and refined and rewrote and generally buffed and primped up my sentences, the finished result was much better. My blogging is usually of the just-get-something-written variety. Maybe if I thought more about what I wanted to say, the result might be more thoughtful, better expressed and more worth reading. If I really do want to find a job that involves writing on a daily basis, I'd better actually develop some writing skills. Which brings me to...

Find a job
I need something to do on a day-to-day basis. Our family finances would benefit from a little more income. I don't seem yet to have settled on a career. Maybe I never will. But it would be good to have some goals to aim at in work. I'd like a job I can actually get my teeth into, one that will stretch me some and get me learning new things or digging out old skills and polishing them up again. What that is, I'm not completely sure yet. But I'm looking, my CV's up to date, I'm checking the job pages and trying to work out how to network. Anyone want to employ me?

And finally...

Get healthier
I've been pretty sedentary in my habits since I got married. And that means I've got much heavier. I need to get back on my bike and get some healthier eating habits. My GP keeps telling me to go swimming (good for my back and general fitness) and I should probably start listening.

So, my 2012 goals. How do I make them happen? Got any tips? What are your 2012 resolutions?

Why I am a bad blogger

"Twitter - it only works if you reply."

I can't remember who said it, but it's true. I'm not very good at the replying bit. The same goes for blogging. It's better if you actually interact with the bloggers you read and leave comments. I'm not very good at that. It doesn't help that I do most of my blog reading via Google Reader these days. That means an extra click at least to get to a point where you can comment. On most of the blogs I read, I'm a lurker who never comments. I suspect this is bad blogging etiquette.

My problem is, I'm shy and I don't like networking. Twitter particularly is like one big public networking event. To get anything out of it beyond shouting your witticisms (or more likely, that weird dream you had and what you ate for lunch) into the aether, you need to reply to other people's tweets and start an interaction. I find it intimidating to reply to people I haven't actually met. Even the people I've been following for years via their blogs and now Twitter. I'm too shy to say hello.

Of course, I should know by now that good things can happen when you interact on the internet. That's how I met my husband, after all. My sister started a blog, partly on my recommendation and it changed her life. She lost weight. She went to the US for 3 months to stay with someone she'd never met. Crazy! She still spends time interacting with other bloggers and etsy-ites on forums. I think she reads fewer blogs than I do, but she interacts more.

So, what I am to do? Learn from my sister and my past good experiences. After all, Rob was a random internet stranger when he made that first comment. Now he's my husband. I'm so glad he commented and even more glad I replied. Who knows what other good things might happen if I say hello to people I read and follow more often?

hello there!

I'm not dead! I've just been a bit busy. In the last er, 6 months since I last posted I have been mostly finishing my MA dissertation. It's done and I handed it in a month ago. Now I'm unemployed and should have a little more time on my hands for blogging and generally being sociable online.

Things I could blog about:

We've been married over 18 months and I still haven't finished blogging through our wedding pics. Anyone still interested?

Pretty pictures from our holiday in March, Portmeirion in April and my birthday trip to Colchester Zoo (where I met this gorgeous giraffe).

Spending time at L'Abri at the beginning of October.

Church ups and downs.

Knitting.

Auntie-dom (soon to be doubled).

Life, moods and reading.

Any requests?

Compare and contrast

contrast, originally uploaded by the pig wot flies.

Here we are on holiday in Cornwall last month. This was a particularly foggy day towards the beginning of the week, when I made Rob drive all the way from our cottage near Helston to Penzance (which was less exciting than I thought it would be) then to Land's End in the fog, and back again and then go on a (short) muddy walk to find an ancient village. He was not impressed. But I enjoyed myself.

More pictures from our holiday here .

underwater

fish please? a video by the pig wot flies on Flickr.

Last week we were on holiday in Cornwall, celebrating our first wedding anniversary. (yay!). I have lots of pretty pictures and a few videos to show you. Here's a taster.

zesty

Today's good things include this plate of fruit. I made St Clements cupcakes (from Red Velvet Chocolate Heartache) and these were the oranges and lemons I used. Shown after I zested them for the cake mixture and before I juiced them (actually I only used half a lemon and half an orange) for the juice.

The cupcakes are coming with me tonight when I go out to meet up with knitters and spinners and spend the evening being knitty and friendly.

There's roast lamb roasting in the oven, along with roast potatoes, butternut squash and carrots.

Rob's been working at home and it's been good. We've not got in each other's way, but it was good to have lunch together.

The living room is a little cleaner than it was this morning. I bleached the sink (which I should clearly do more often).

I saw an image I liked - the fruit on a plate - and I took some photos. I like doing this.

good thursday

Today's good things:

The day started grey but ended sunny. Spring is coming!

I got some useful admin stuff done before lunch.

This afternoon's group therapy session went well. We had a new person in the group, which can sometimes be a bit unsettling, but I think the newbie will be OK. I had a wonder again about why I go to therapy and whether I still need it. I think I do. If nothing else it gets me out of the house and talking to people. :) I find it a good place to talk through things that are stressing me out or making me sad. There's also the rest of the group - I turn up for them as much as for myself. I'm going to keep going for the next while. It's good for me to think through whether it's still useful or whether it's time to stop. One day, it'll be time to stop.

Rob's working from home tomorrow. (This is a mixed thing. Sometimes I find it hard when he's here during the day when I'm used to being on my own. But sometimes I spend the day looking forward to him coming home so I can have some meaningful human contact.)

I started reading A Box of Matches by Nicholson Baker. It's a typical Baker book - little vignettes in one life. I think I like it. I like the duck, Greta. Rob's talked in the past about wanting a duck. It might be fun to have one, one day when we have a garden.

ETA: I'm getting my lost hat back! I lost my favourite handknit hat (this one) a few months ago. Someone at church thought she'd seen it. (In fact, I did't realised I'd lost it until she asked if I'd lost a hat. I knew I couldn't find it, but assumed it was at home somewhere). I finally followed it up with an email today (with the pic) and she has my hat and I'm going to get it back on Sunday. :)

good stuff

I've been a bit down in the dumps recently. When that happens, it's easy for me to view everything negatively and forget all the good things in my life. I'm much better at remembering negative things than good things. Rob keeps pointing this out to me and suggested I blog about what happened today, so that I remember it. I then thought it would be good if I did that _every_ day so I remember the good things. We'll see how long that lasts, but it's a good idea.

So. Today I had a meeting with my supervisor. Beforehand I was nervous and felt braindead and stupid. Actually, it was a very useful meeting, she was really pleased with what I'd written and gave me loads of ideas for how to extend and improve on what I had written. My supervisor is in fact lovely, always encouraging and really interested in my dissertation topic and in what I have to say about it.

So, yeah, good things. :)

time flies like a banana

My mac screen saver is set up to show me pictures from iPhoto from the last twelve months. It seems to do this in order, starting twelve months ago, which means I get a reminder of what I was doing this time last year (right now, lots of pictures from my hen night and our wedding :) ).

Today I noticed this one:



Taken 28 February 2010 and titled "We love you!". I assume Debs took it on her phone and then messaged it to me. It reminded me of this, posted ten days ago. Compare and contrast! Same grin on Debs' lovely mug, even bigger in the more recent one. But Sophia's gone from cute gormless baby stares to big cheeky toddler grin.

I love my (not quite as squeaky but still sooo cute!) cheeky niece!

I think I've forgotten how to blog

I can manage serious pre-planned posting like the wedding story (albeit intermittently) but I've not done regular off the top of my head blogging and thoughts for ages. Little things that occur to me go usually turn into tweets. Big philosophical/anxiety/depressed thoughts go into emails to my husband (mostly) and are too painful to share publicly. (Mostly they're momentary panics which I don't necessarily want to be on the interwebs for the rest of time. :) So that leaves, er, not sure.

I do have things to say sometimes. I think I could do with the discipline of writing more. If only to get in practice for the dissertation writing that IS GOING TO HAPPEN this year. So I thought I'd try.

It occurs to me that different places/means of writing have different psychological weight or depth of meaning to me. I'm supposed to be writing a list of things I want to talk about at a meeting with my supervisor on Friday (hence the procrastination of blogging). I could write this however I want. However. Typing into a Word document (well, the Open Office equivalent, I am a Mac person, after all) is too definite for notes. I have to mean what I say on a properly laid out page. Writing on paper is less scary, especially in biro. It's a scribbled note, noone expects it to look finished and the words are therefore less final, more tentative. I can be tentative in biro. Probably more so in pencil. The computerised equivalent is TextEdit. I find myself using TextEdit a lot to make notes on papers I'm reading, or to-do lists, or notes to myself. My desktop is littered with them. They're the computer equivalent of the reams of scribbled notes that are the precursor to a first draft - some complete sentences, mostly scraps, nagging questions, instructions to myself. It intrigues me that I find the scribbled note, in hard or soft form, easier to write than the finished paragraph, or at least anything that gives the appearance of a finished piece.

I think it's about confidence. If I don't have confidence it what I'm writing, I'm reluctant to commit it to something that looks finished. So, if you find me writing on newspaper in wax crayon, then I've lost it completely and have no confidence in my work. Although, at least I'd be writing. So maybe, even if it's a displacement activity, blogging is a good sign.

The pig wot got married - the entrance

When you attend a wedding, you seem to be waiting around ages for the bride to arrive and things to start. When you are the bride, it all happens very quickly. You stand around outside for a while, then in the entrance waiting for the music to begin. Then suddenly, you're walking up the aisle, trying not to go too fast but also wanting to get to the end where your very-soon-to-be husband is waiting for you.



This bit of our wedding is definitely a blur to me. I remember waiting, I remember suddenly realising the music had started and it was time to go.



I remember standing next to Rob and him whispering in my ear "You look wonderful!". I whispered back "So do you!" and he did - a tailcoat, waistcoat and cravat suits him. :) I barely remember the walk in between. This isn't the best photo technically of our walk, but it best captures the feeling - smiling so hard with happiness, looking forward to catch my Rob's eye, my Dad smiling beside me, everything else a blur.



This photo is from during the first song, I think. Barney said some opening words and then we sang. My bouquet was handed over to my bridesmaids, my Daddy flipped back my veil and we praised God together singing Come People of the Risen King.

Photos by Dave Routledge.

The pig wot got married - arriving

It's been a while since I wrote any wedding recaps! We've now been married for just over ten months and I'd like to get the story of our wedding day blogged before our anniversary. When I last blogged about the wedding, we'd just set off from home in a lovely white bug called Billy. We had plenty of time! I was keen to get going and get married. We took a good leisurely route from home, detouring a little (by accident) and still managed to hit town much earlier than we needed to. I didn't intend to be late (in fact Rob had threatened not to marry me if I turned up late!) but in this case, I didn't have much choice. The party of bridesmaids, brothers-in-law, small niece and mother of the bride took longer to get to the church than expected. My dad and I in the bug waited in a layby outside Trinity, fielding phoned updates as to where they were and being photographed by passing tourists. We also met My Granddad, aunt and cousins who were a bit lost and directed them to the church.

At last, they were there. It was time! We had the roof down by then and drove slowly along Trinity Street, round the corner and slowly down the shopping street leading to the church, with smiles and waves and the odd camera lens click all the way. It's so much fun being a bride and arriving in style!



Hayley helped us out of the car and said she'd see us later. I think I was too busy grinning and wanting to get things going to remember much of what was going on.



Dave lined us up outside the church for a few shots of with me and the maids. We're all grinning, even Barney, waiting in the porch to lead us in and get us married!



We lined up outside the church porch (a couple of really late-comers had to squeeze past us - you know who you are!) and Barney led us in a quick prayer. I took my Daddy's arm and waited for the music (the Prelude from Bach's 1st Cello Suite) to begin.

Photos by Dave Routledge.

The end of 2010

Its the last day of the year. How did that happen? Before it's gone and another year begins, I want to capture some good thoughts from this year and some things I'd like to leave behind.

Good things

We got married! Probably the most exciting thing that happened this year. I will finish the story of the day soon, promise.

I got my reading back. That was pretty huge. It means I feel a little more like myself and I have some hope that my MA will get done.

I came off my anti-depressants. That was huge too!

I picked up my MA again, with the determination to finish it this time. I still have bumps and panics. The last few months haven't been as productive as I wanted them to be, due to colds knocking me back and shaking my confidence. I want to get back on it and finish it, properly and well.

Things I'd like to leave behind

I've been quite ill several times - pre-wedding concussion, a post-wedding crash (apparently un-blogged), the blood clot I had in August, the excruciating sciatic back pain I've had over Christmas, my ongoing CFS. I'd like to be healthier in 2011. I know I'm unlikely to return to my pre-post-viral fatigue state. CFS is for most people a lifelong condition, but I'm learning to live with it. I'd like the lows to be less low, even though that may mean the highs being less high. I'd like to learn to manage my health, rather than be subject to it.

I've put on a fair amount of weight since we got married, mostly as a consequence of the above. I've not been able to do much exercise and I've been stuck inside feeling sorry for myself a lot. This led to lots of comfort eating and the feeling that I didn't care about myself and didn't deserve to be healthy. I want to change that, take back control, get a healthier attitude to food and lose some weight. This should also help me to be healthier in other ways too.

Things I'd like to do

Learn more about loving my Rob. These first 9 months or so have been good ones and hard ones. I like being married. I love that Rob looks after me and I couldn't have got through some of the things that happened without him. I know there's so much more I can do to learn about him as a person and to love him more. I think that'll be a goal for the rest of my life.

Learn more about loving God. We couldn't have got this far without God and without the support of our church family. I'd like to know God better, to spend more time in prayer and reading the Bible and to let God change me more. Sometimes it's easy to look good and be able to give 'right answers' in difficult circumstances but underneath, I'm lost and drowning. I want to know God better and have a closer relationship with him.

Blog more. I now have three blogs - this one, Pigwotknits and a LiveJournal blog which so far is a copy of this one plus some silly memes. I'd like to blog more on all of them, and work out whether to use this and my LJ blog differently. I can make the LJ one more private, so I may end up using it for the things I don't want to broadcast to the world, but write only for myself, or myself and Rob. We'll see. Pigwotknits definitely needs some love. I still knit, but less stuff seems to make it to the blog. Possibly because I'm more likely to use Ravelry.

Return to paid work. I need to get the MA out of the way first. I may or may not be able to handle full time work, we'll see. But it would help our collective finances if I were earning too. I'm trying not to put myself under too much pressure, but I do need a little pressure to get on with and finish my dissertation and work out what the next thing to do is. (Not a PhD, that's for sure. Maybe children, but earning some money before that happens sounds like a good idea to me).

I think that's enough planning to be going on with. Enjoy the last day of 2010. May 2011 bring you wonderful things!

Merry Christmas

It's early Christmas morning. Rob's not awake yet, but he will be soon, as we're off to spend the day with his family. Just time for me to wish you all a wonderful Christmas and to post the verse that keeps coming back to me this year.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 1:14 (ESV)

May you know Jesus, the Word become flesh, and see his glory this Christmas.

off my meds

I've been on anti-depressants (fluoxetine) since May 2008. They helped a lot. When I was initially ill with post-viral fatigue, they took the edge off. That summer when I was properly depressed, they helped me feel a bit more alive. I stayed on them because I needed them. Of course, not everything about being on fluoxetine is great. I wanted to come off it before I got married because my main side effect was super-vivid dreams and being very restless in my sleep. I wanted to avoid subjecting Rob to that, if possible. But about a year ago, it was clear I was depressed again, I think due to all the changes that were happening in my life, and rather than decreasing my dosage in the run-up to our wedding, I increased it.

In the months since we got married, I initially crashed in mood and energy levels, leading to a referral to an ME clinic and the realisation that I most probably do have ME/CFS. But in the last few months, I've been feeling much better, in mood if not always in energy, and so I decided it was time to come off fluoxetine for good.

On Sunday 28 November, I took my last dose. It's been over a week now and I'm ok. I'm not depressed or blank or weepy as I was this time last year. I'm still easily tired and a little frustrated with getting so tired, but I'm not depressed. As for the side effects, well, you'll have to ask Rob if I'm any less restless. I still dream, sometimes they're vivid, but I seem to be losing my least favourite dreams - the ones that come just before I wake up, where I'm endlessly trying to break out of dreams into reality.

Fluoxetine was a useful drug when I needed it. I don't think it in itself solved anything, but it lifted me enough to take the edge off depression, to make the lows less dark and help me cope. I hope I won't need it again in the future, but I won't be a failure if I need its help again.

silly

In the absence of anything sensible to blog, here's a silly video.



Made on Channel 4's Twist Our Words site.

excuses

The reason I didn't blog on Monday was mostly that we spent all evening at Addenbrooke's A&E. :S

Don't worry, I'm actually fine. I've had a cold since Friday and was feeling pretty grotty. By Monday night I had chest pains and was breathing fairly heavily. The last straw was coughing up mucus with blood in it (TMI? Sorry!) at which point I got a bit panicked, as it was all a bit too much like what happened back in August when I went into hospital and they found blood clots. So I decided it was probably wise to get checked over and Rob took me in.

The doctors I saw agreed I done the right thing, given my history, did some blood tests and gave me a chest X-ray. Fortunately, all was as it should be, no evidence of blood clots, nothing wrong except an upper respiratory viral infection (i.e. a cold). They sent me home again with instructions to rest, take paracetamol and see my GP if things got any worse. All of which took around 5 hours, from leaving home at 5.30 to getting back again about 10.30pm.

So, that was Monday evening gone. I'm grateful to Rob who took it all in his stride and didn't moan at me for wanting to go to hospital, yet again or panic. I don't feel too silly for getting things checked out as the staff did take me seriously. But I do hope that, apart from a couple of scheduled clinic appointments in the next few weeks, I won't be seeing too much of Addenbrooke's in the near future.