In so many ways, life is great at the moment. I'm getting ready to marry the man I love. My family are mostly all well and happy, my sisters are newly married, one's just had a lovely baby. But I'm not really happy.
I'm panicking about finishing my MA. I'm not sure I want to do it anymore. My dissertation seems irrelevant and too hard. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. The plan I had of a PhD and research seems impossible now. If I can't do the MA, how can I do anything else? I lost the habit of reading while I was depressed and so far it's not really come back. Reading makes me anxious. I read faster and faster until I get to the point where I can't read any faster and it's too stressful and I give up. For someone who used to read constantly and have several novels on the go at any one time, this is weird and uncharacteristic. It feels like I've lost a large part of my identity.
Identity is probably the biggest thing that's making me feel unsettled. Everything is changing. I'm not sure who I am now, or who I'm going to be. I just turned 30. I'm working part time in a job that pays the bills, but isn't something I want to do long term. What job should I be doing? My potential academic career seems to be over before it started. I'm going to be a wife soon. I want to be a mother. Will that be satisfying? What will I do?
I'm seeing a counsellor again, which is useful in helping me tease some of these things apart, but oh so painful. Everything gets stirred up and I feel so much worse after our sessions. I don't want to confront all this stuff. I just want to curl up in bed with knitting and chocolate and stay warm and safe and away from the scary world. I thought this was just a simple problem of getting over the psychological barrier of panic I get when I try to read. I thought I'd dealt with this stuff in getting over my depression last year. It seems not. There's more to be sorted and more to understand. I know these things take time, I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself and expect everything to get sorted overnight. But oh mouse, I am so tired of swimming in this pool of tears.
I am being looked after. Rob's love and acceptance and hugs are wonderful. I just want to feel sorted and not confused anymore.
Prayers, kind words and hugs much appreciated.
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9 comments:
*hugs*
Just relax and do something different for a while.
Massive virtual hug coming from here - if you're at KTog tomorrow afternoon, I'll give you a real one... It's amazing how out of sorts with circumstances our heads can be, sometimes...
x
Sadly she wont be there else I would have been too. She's run away for the weekend to a confeence i think.
I'm sure she'll appreciate the virtual hug though.
Yes, we're in Oxfnord. BP has gone to the Christian literary conference.
HP - you're not HP anymore!
Tis true. But I have little idea how to change it!
Plus, you're not RobHu anymore either!
I am and will always be RobHu...
Changing one's surname is relatively easy. Changing one's user name on many computer systems is extremely difficult to do, and so I will always be RobHu.
Hi, I found your blog a bit randomly. Dissertations are hard, don't worry. But I wanted to recommend the book 'Writing your Thesis in 15 minutes per day'. It's really really comforting, and I think (from what little I've read here) that it would work well with your creative side and in helping you overcome your fear of reading/writing. It's about making the things you're supposed to love, like your research, fun again. Tom
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