Wednesday, January 28, 2009

drifting

I feel like I'm drifting along through life at the moment. I'm not planning anything, it's just happening. I'm not sure that's a good thing. I'm drifting through work. It's OK, but I don't want to do it forever. I don't know what I do what to do though and I'm not particularly doing anything to work it out.

My course is drifting. It is officially on hold, but if I want to finish it, I need to get back into the habit of studying, starting by teaching myself how to read properly again. And if I'm going to finish my dissertation, ever, I probably need a plan of how that's going to happen.

My weight's drifting upwards, gradually, but inexorably and I don't seem to be able to muster the will power to do anything about it for more than half a day at a time.

I don't feel able to plan. I'm living week to week, financially, never quite sure how much work I'm going to do and therefore how much money I'll earn. I'm just about OK, but it's easy to imagine sudden emergencies for which there's no slack.

There's no end goal, no time line. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm fighting wars on several fronts at once, trying to deal with stuff the last year has brought to the surface. It feels like there are too many things for one person to deal with all at once. Plus there are plenty of other people around who need looking after.

Oh dear, I seem to have made myself sad. :o( What on earth am I doing in this mess and how do I find my way out of it?

4 comments:

Lara said...

Gah, it's an awful feeling, isn't it? Kind of feel the same way myself. It's like my life is on hold until I get my thesis finished, but various issues mean that's taking far longer than it should. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

It's depressing in a way to not have any kind of set goal, time-wise, but maybe as long as you keep going forward, that's enough for the time being. You'll get there (wherever it is) someday!

Elly said...

well finishing your thesis is one goal. your sister's wedding and making a dress is another. Do you need any more?
Don't be afraid to just be.

Lauren said...

I've had these feelings before. The only thing that helped me was a lot of prayer and a lot less thinking of myself - so I'd try to help other people. so maybe like Elly said pour yourself into those two immediate goals, and then just be. maybe? but I'll pray for you a lot this coming week and in the weeks to come.

Pig wot flies said...

Lara: I think it's the not knowing where here is that gets me down. But eternally, I do have a goal and I need to remember that.

Mummy (Elly): Yes, I do have stuff to get on with. And being is good.

Lauren: Thanks for your prayers and advice.