20 weeks, 2 days - halfway, baby!

How did that happen? Somewhere we're halfway through the 40 weeks of pregnancy. Of course, for the first 2 weeks, I wasn't pregnant, and for for the first 4 or 5 weeks, I didn't know. And babies can be late or early, so it's hard to know exactly when the halfway point is, but we'll call it now.

Next scan is on Thursday next week. I'm excited already! We want to find out if Zarquon is a boy or a girl. I hope (s)he co-operates!

It's time we started getting the flat ready. Rob wants to put about half our stuff in storage or get rid of it entirely. (!) Which is a good idea, I'm just not good at letting things go. But it's a small flat and right now, there's nowhere to put baby things like clothes, nappies, a cot, a baby bath, a buggy. We're planning not to buy much, but lots will come from family and it needs to go somewhere.

19 weeks and 6 days - Mothers' day

Today is Mothering Sunday, my first ever as a mother. I am so grateful.

Last year, I dreaded Mothers' day. We'd been trying for a baby for over a year, with nothing. I was pretty down about it, feeling like I'd never get to have a baby and sad and angry with God. This year, here I am, pregnant and almost halfway to my due date.

I wish I could guarantee such a happy outcome for everyone who yearns for a baby. I know I can't. All I can offer is hugs and prayers and the knowledge that God is good.

19 weeks and 4 days

Lately, I'm enjoying pregnancy. My back has settled down and isn't keeping me awake. I haven't worn the back support for a week or two, but I'm glad I've got it if I need it. I have had cramp once this week, which I do not like at all, but that seems to be normal for pregnancy.

As far as I know, all is well with Zarquon. After not being able to get a nucal fold measurement, I had a blood test done. That revealed a less than 1 in 10,000 risk of Down's syndrome and a low risk of spina bifida, which is great news. I'm not sure I've felt her move lately, but I've never been entirely sure if the movements I feel are baby or digestive system, so I'm not too worried.

The next scan is in just under 2 weeks. We plan to find our whether Zarquon is a boy or a girl, providing he or she co-operates. :) Rob is convinced she's a girl, so much so that we tend to talk about her as 'our daughter', but we'll see!

Last week, we were on holiday in the Lake District, with our friends J and J who are expecting a baby about 5 weeks before ours. It's fun to have someone to compare notes with and they're both doctors, which means they actually know stuff. :)

Life is fairly baby-dominated for me. We've not done a lot in the way of preparation, but soon we need to start tidying and making room for baby things. I suspect a lot is going to have to either be got rid of, or out into storage somewhere. It's not a big flat and babies, for all they're small, seem to need a lot of stuff - cot, clothes, nappies, maybe a baby bath. We're not planning to buy a lot, as there are lots of hand me downs from Hannah and Debs' babies, but still, we need to find some room.

17 weeks

I was enchanted to find out this week that Zarquon now has eyebrows and eyelashes. I wonder if they're the same beautiful golden ginger colour as Rob's?

I think I felt the baby move last night. I got up to go to the bathroom at about 3am and when I came back to bed, I could feel little bubbly, fluttery movements in my stomach. Was that my baby? I hope so. I we heard the heartbeat for the first time too. We've been lent a little heart rate monitor and though it's tricky to use, I think I heard a little, fast heartbeat that wasn't mine. I made Rob listen to it too, though I'm not sure I knew what he should be listening to.

At the weekend we met up with a couple whose wedding we will be photographing and took some photos of them. I love doing that. It's something Rob and I can do as a team. By the time of their wedding, I'll be 28 weeks pregnant. It'll be the last wedding I shoot before Zarquon is born. I hope I can manage it! There'll be quite a bump by then and I won't be up to carrying much equipment around. Rob can do the running around and climbing things and I'll have to be more static, I think.

16 weeks

I've been pretty tired this week. My back hurts a lot. Yesterday I picked up a pelvic support band from the physio. I think it helps a bit. I need to keep doing my back exercises. I also woke up two nights in a row with leg cramps at night. So really, I've not been sleeping well. I suspect carrying heavy camera bags several days in a row is the main problem. I do hope the cramp doesn't happen every night. It's really horrible.

At the weekend Rob and I went to a photography trade show at the NEC and then to see Rob's family. My mother in law, Julia is very excited about becoming a grandma. She gave us a baby journal and a kit for making casts of baby hands and feet. Rob's siblings are fun and the dogs - three little bichon frise - are as crazy and barky as ever. I wonder how they'll react to a little person?

13 weeks and 2 days. Or is 13 weeks and 4 days?

Baby Zarquon!

Yesterday we got our first look at our baby. There's just the one in there, but he or she is alive and well and wriggly. She's buried deep; my uterus is tipped back, so she's well inside the pelvis. There's a fair amount of padding there too, so the sonographer couldn't get great pictures. But there's a baby in there! And he has all his arms and legs and a head and a spine and a heart and a stomach.

Ideally, baby would have flipped over (she's actually standing on her head, hence the upside picture) so that we could get a measure of the nucal fold (on the back of the head. It's an early test for Down's syndrome). But Zarquon (named by Rob) refused to flip, so upside down it was.

The sonographer did get a measurement from crown to rump of 72.6mm, which would make me 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant and gives us a new estimated due date of 18 August. But, babies come when they're ready, so who knows.

I am feeling a little less sick then I have, so I feel like I'm beginning to get to the second trimester glowing stage! I hope. Still quite tired though, and I'm fighting a cold/viral thing which keeps coming back. But when large swatches of the country are covered in water, with the threat of more to come, I am grateful for shelter, warmth and a tiny little wriggly jelly bean growing inside me.

9 weeks, 6 days

Today I told all the members of my (all female) team that I'm pregnant. To a woman, they all reacted with squeals and grins and hugs. So lovely!

I'm still feeling tired and intermittently sick. The last couple of weeks have been quite draining. Life has plodded on as usual, but I'm very tired and not up to much. I'm hoping the end of the first trimester brings more energy and less nausea.

I have syringes full of low molecular weight heparin which I'm supposed to start injecting myself with this week*. The registrar I saw at the haematology clinic last week is insistent that I need to see the practice nurse for injection training. The reception staff at my surgery are insistent that the nurse can't do that and I need to see my GP. So, I'm seeing my GP on Friday. Hoping we can sort it out and I can cope with daily self-administered injections. :-S

*Blood clot in 2010 means I'm high risk for another blood clot during pregnancy. So, anti-coagulants until (I think) 8 weeks postpartum for me. What fun!

9 weeks

Today I had my first visit to the obstetric haematology clinic. I was expecting this though it took longer than I expected to get referred. (I mentioned it at every appointment, but I think I only got properly referred at the midwife booking appointment last Friday).

I left feeling overwhelmed. I think it's partly the way in which you have to be proactive and organised as a pregnant woman. I have notes to carry around to every appointment, a form to take to a blood test, lots of appointments to make. It's good. I like the feeling of autonomy, and taking responsibility for my own care. But it also makes me feel a bit alone. I'd like a little hand holding some of the time!

The registrar this morning was friendly, but maybe a little too efficient. She was almost escorting me out to reception before I could ask my questions. (About flying. We're due to fly to Cyprus at the end of June, when I'll be 32 weeks). I know hospitals are busy, but I felt a little like a cog in the machine. Especially as I half hoped I would see one of the people I saw before at the thrombophilia clinic.

There's a lot of doing stuff myself, but also a lot of running on rails. I won't have a choice in where I give birth - too high risk. I will have consultant-led care, rather than being looked after by the local midwife team, but I'm not exactly sure what that means. I hope things become a little clearer after the first scan (at 13 weeks and 1 day) and my 16 week midwife appointment, when lots of test results get drawn together and I assume we make decisions about how my care goes from there.

7 weeks, 6 days

Today I have been mostly worrying.

I feel scared sometimes. I'm afraid that I'm making it up and I'm not really pregnant. Or I am really pregnant and the baby isn't going to survive. Or I'm pregnant with 3 babies, but they're actually aliens. Or boys. Or boy aliens. (I want a daughter! I have sisters, I can cope with girls. Boys scare me).

There's so little external evidence. It's too early for a bump. My bust might be bigger, but that might just look like Christmas weight gain or a particularly effective bra. I don't feel sick, just tired. My stomach muscles are periodically unhappy. Yesterday, whenever I stood up from my office chair, my stomach muscles hurt, as if they'd been awkwardly scrunched. Today, I'd made an effort to sit properly and things are better, but I suspect I need a better chair to work in. Mine doesn't go high enough or allow me to adjust the angle of the seat.

Tomorrow I have blood tests. On Friday I see a midwife. I'm not sure to what extent she (or I suppose he, but I've never met a male midwife) will be my midwife. There's a team. Or I might end up being looked after by a specialist midwife once the haematology clinic* see me.

There are many things that could go wrong. Many points from step 0: get pregnant, step 1: stay pregnant, step 1a: grow a healthy baby, step 2: give birth. Not to mention beyond the birth, when we get sent home with a live little person and we have to look after it.

I try to confine my thinking to possible risks and sensible solutions. I tell myself to turn the worries to prayers. Sometimes I do. More than that, I need to stop worrying, trust God. That has never been an easy thing to do, no matter how often the Bible tells me to. But I am powerless. Beyond putting sensible food into my body and making sure it gets enough rest and exercise, my baby's development is out of my hands now. Mysterious and mundane, foetal development will happen, or, sad possibility, cease, with no conscious input from me. The knitting together in my womb is not carried out by my hands.

*A blood clot, nearly 4 years now, means I need anti-coagulants. I'm 'high risk', technically. No super fluffy midwife-led birthing unit for me, never mind a home birth. This makes me a little sad. I think Rob is relieved.

7 weeks, 4 days

I have not felt well this weekend. I have been tired and a little groggy and sick. I'm not sure if I should put this down to pregnancy or running out of my antidepressants on Friday. Fortunately, it's an empty weekend.

Rob and I play lots of Magic. He's testing a new deck and wants to play it again and again until he understands it completely. He can beat the decks I've constructed after a few goes, but a red deck called 'Dragonfire' made by our friend Alex proves too much of a challenge. Still, we go on playing, all afternoon, until I'm too tired to continue.

I started this weekend tired, and it looks like I'll end it tired too. Bother.

7 weeks, 1 day

I went back to work today. It's a shock to leave hibernation mode and have to be awake at 7:15 in the dark to be in the office by 9. I've changed my hours from 4 days of 5.5 hours to 3 days of 7.33 hours. This gives me 2 days off in the week, which I am looking forward to, but it will mean getting up and going home in the dark, at least for the next couple of months.

There have been small exciting things. I told my GP on Wednesday and she was happy for me. I saw a midwife for the first time and made appointments for blood tests and a longer 'booking' appointment. I filled in parts of the handheld notes I have to take to every appointment. I have noticed my heightened sense of smell and dislike of some smells - overflowing bins, unsmoked bacon. I have gone off coffee for breakfast. I'm not sure how far this is psychological - knowing I need to limit caffeine - and how far it is a genuine aversion. I certainly feel hungrier at breakfast and coffee on a relatively empty stomach makes me jittery.

I'm not feeling sick, so far, beyond the odd queasiness at smells. I'm not sure whether to be grateful or alarmed. I am very tired. My breasts are sore. I feel more hungry than usual, though I'm under strict instructions from Rob that I'm not to overeat. The medical appointments make everything feel more real. This is happening. It's happening to me.

Christmas - 6 weeks

My beautiful snuggly niece

I like having a happy secret. I want to tell everyone, but I also enjoy keeping it myself. I wonder if anyone will guess?

I drank no wine at the work Christmas do. But I did have the convenient excuse of driving down to Exeter immediately afterwards. No wine at the wedding last weekend, despite being surrounded with champagne glasses. But in a largely Christian crowd, that's not unusual. I'm missing out on brie and pate. We shopped for brandy butter, but the supermarket had run out, so there's no smidge of brandy-flavoured sweetness to decide whether or not to forgo.

My parents, sisters and brothers in law know. We opted not to tell grandparents and assorted uncles, aunts and cousins yet. Tomorrow we'll see Rob's family and we'll tell them. (My mother in law will be delighted, hugging me with tears in her eyes).

There's plenty of talk of babies. My niece is 5 weeks and a bit. She's getting lots of cuddles from grandparents and aunties and her great grandma, who is smitten with her. This time last year, she didn't exist. This time next year, all being well, she'll have a new cousin.

I was apprehensive about Christmas. The celebration of a special baby. The miracle of childless Elizabeth conceiving John. It was a struggle to focus on the hope and joy instead of my own pain as I listened to readings and sermons in the weeks leading up to it. Now, unexpectedly, there's only joy.

Mine is no holy baby. Just the ordinary miracle of conception. But I am grateful, for the sudden feeling of being included where I had felt excluded.

4 weeks, 5 days

Best Christmas present ever!

It's Monday morning. For once, I am not at work. Last week was super busy and I decided I needed a day at home. I'm tired and a little grumpy. I've been expecting my period since last Wednesday. I took a pregnancy test last Thursday, which was negative. and another on Saturday, which I think was negative. But then, I was so convinced it would be negative that I'm not sure I looked it at properly.

Today I decide to do another test, just to make sure.

I put the cap on the stick and place it on the side of the bath, determined not to look at it until 3 minutes are up. I distract myself with brushing my teeth, not daring to hope. This is just going to be another of those mysteriously long cycles.

3 minutes are up. I look.

Two pink lines

I can't quite believe it. Suddenly, the moment we've been trying to get to for months, almost 2 years, is here. Step 0: get pregnant. I'm overwhelmed with amazement and gratitude and happiness. I spend a little while just sitting with my happiness, hugging it to myself. Then I have to ring Rob.

He doesn't answer, of course. I email him. "Ring me!" He calls my mobile. "I'm pregnant!" "I thought you might be." We are happy. Finally.

I hug the secret to myself a little more while I eat breakfast. But I have to call my mum. Then my sisters. They're all happy. "You're what? Pregnant! Hooray!" "I knew when you rang that's what you'd say."

An overwhelmingly happy day. So glad I have the day at home to process and calm down a bit before I go back to work.

Step 0: get pregnant. Check!
Step 1: stay pregnant. Ongoing.

can we have cake now?

These hopeful looking kiddiwinks were guests at a surprise baby shower for my sister HB last week. She's got about 3 weeks to go before her firstborn arrives. She lives in Exeter, but came to visit my parents in London last week and since she has lots of friends here too, our other sister Debs thought it would be fun have a baby shower for her.

And there were grown-ups and small children and cakes and scones. All good fun. :)

big feet, little feet

I love this picture from a recent walk I took with my friend E and her small daughter E minor.

The focus isn't sharp and the angle's a bit off and maybe the negative space should be on the right instead of the left, but I love the feel of it. E minor loves standing, though she can't do it without help yet. Her mother held her up and let her stand on mummy's feet to see the ducks she loves.

Love.

babies babies babies

Babies are on my mind rather a lot at the moment. The one my little sister HB is having in November; the future king born on Monday; the one I'd like to have.

This was on the pavement in the middle of Champ de Mars, near the Eiffel Tower. No other context, but I imagine it came from a pro-life demonstration. Just a snap, but I like the graphic simplicity of the drawing.