Tuesday, January 21, 2014

9 weeks, 6 days

Today I told all the members of my (all female) team that I'm pregnant. To a woman, they all reacted with squeals and grins and hugs. So lovely!

I'm still feeling tired and intermittently sick. The last couple of weeks have been quite draining. Life has plodded on as usual, but I'm very tired and not up to much. I'm hoping the end of the first trimester brings more energy and less nausea.

I have syringes full of low molecular weight heparin which I'm supposed to start injecting myself with this week*. The registrar I saw at the haematology clinic last week is insistent that I need to see the practice nurse for injection training. The reception staff at my surgery are insistent that the nurse can't do that and I need to see my GP. So, I'm seeing my GP on Friday. Hoping we can sort it out and I can cope with daily self-administered injections. :-S

*Blood clot in 2010 means I'm high risk for another blood clot during pregnancy. So, anti-coagulants until (I think) 8 weeks postpartum for me. What fun!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

9 weeks

Today I had my first visit to the obstetric haematology clinic. I was expecting this though it took longer than I expected to get referred. (I mentioned it at every appointment, but I think I only got properly referred at the midwife booking appointment last Friday).

I left feeling overwhelmed. I think it's partly the way in which you have to be proactive and organised as a pregnant woman. I have notes to carry around to every appointment, a form to take to a blood test, lots of appointments to make. It's good. I like the feeling of autonomy, and taking responsibility for my own care. But it also makes me feel a bit alone. I'd like a little hand holding some of the time!

The registrar this morning was friendly, but maybe a little too efficient. She was almost escorting me out to reception before I could ask my questions. (About flying. We're due to fly to Cyprus at the end of June, when I'll be 32 weeks). I know hospitals are busy, but I felt a little like a cog in the machine. Especially as I half hoped I would see one of the people I saw before at the thrombophilia clinic.

There's a lot of doing stuff myself, but also a lot of running on rails. I won't have a choice in where I give birth - too high risk. I will have consultant-led care, rather than being looked after by the local midwife team, but I'm not exactly sure what that means. I hope things become a little clearer after the first scan (at 13 weeks and 1 day) and my 16 week midwife appointment, when lots of test results get drawn together and I assume we make decisions about how my care goes from there.

Tuesday, January 07, 2014

7 weeks, 6 days

Today I have been mostly worrying.

I feel scared sometimes. I'm afraid that I'm making it up and I'm not really pregnant. Or I am really pregnant and the baby isn't going to survive. Or I'm pregnant with 3 babies, but they're actually aliens. Or boys. Or boy aliens. (I want a daughter! I have sisters, I can cope with girls. Boys scare me).

There's so little external evidence. It's too early for a bump. My bust might be bigger, but that might just look like Christmas weight gain or a particularly effective bra. I don't feel sick, just tired. My stomach muscles are periodically unhappy. Yesterday, whenever I stood up from my office chair, my stomach muscles hurt, as if they'd been awkwardly scrunched. Today, I'd made an effort to sit properly and things are better, but I suspect I need a better chair to work in. Mine doesn't go high enough or allow me to adjust the angle of the seat.

Tomorrow I have blood tests. On Friday I see a midwife. I'm not sure to what extent she (or I suppose he, but I've never met a male midwife) will be my midwife. There's a team. Or I might end up being looked after by a specialist midwife once the haematology clinic* see me.

There are many things that could go wrong. Many points from step 0: get pregnant, step 1: stay pregnant, step 1a: grow a healthy baby, step 2: give birth. Not to mention beyond the birth, when we get sent home with a live little person and we have to look after it.

I try to confine my thinking to possible risks and sensible solutions. I tell myself to turn the worries to prayers. Sometimes I do. More than that, I need to stop worrying, trust God. That has never been an easy thing to do, no matter how often the Bible tells me to. But I am powerless. Beyond putting sensible food into my body and making sure it gets enough rest and exercise, my baby's development is out of my hands now. Mysterious and mundane, foetal development will happen, or, sad possibility, cease, with no conscious input from me. The knitting together in my womb is not carried out by my hands.

*A blood clot, nearly 4 years now, means I need anti-coagulants. I'm 'high risk', technically. No super fluffy midwife-led birthing unit for me, never mind a home birth. This makes me a little sad. I think Rob is relieved.

Sunday, January 05, 2014

7 weeks, 4 days

I have not felt well this weekend. I have been tired and a little groggy and sick. I'm not sure if I should put this down to pregnancy or running out of my antidepressants on Friday. Fortunately, it's an empty weekend.

Rob and I play lots of Magic. He's testing a new deck and wants to play it again and again until he understands it completely. He can beat the decks I've constructed after a few goes, but a red deck called 'Dragonfire' made by our friend Alex proves too much of a challenge. Still, we go on playing, all afternoon, until I'm too tired to continue.

I started this weekend tired, and it looks like I'll end it tired too. Bother.

Thursday, January 02, 2014

7 weeks, 1 day

I went back to work today. It's a shock to leave hibernation mode and have to be awake at 7:15 in the dark to be in the office by 9. I've changed my hours from 4 days of 5.5 hours to 3 days of 7.33 hours. This gives me 2 days off in the week, which I am looking forward to, but it will mean getting up and going home in the dark, at least for the next couple of months.

There have been small exciting things. I told my GP on Wednesday and she was happy for me. I saw a midwife for the first time and made appointments for blood tests and a longer 'booking' appointment. I filled in parts of the handheld notes I have to take to every appointment. I have noticed my heightened sense of smell and dislike of some smells - overflowing bins, unsmoked bacon. I have gone off coffee for breakfast. I'm not sure how far this is psychological - knowing I need to limit caffeine - and how far it is a genuine aversion. I certainly feel hungrier at breakfast and coffee on a relatively empty stomach makes me jittery.

I'm not feeling sick, so far, beyond the odd queasiness at smells. I'm not sure whether to be grateful or alarmed. I am very tired. My breasts are sore. I feel more hungry than usual, though I'm under strict instructions from Rob that I'm not to overeat. The medical appointments make everything feel more real. This is happening. It's happening to me.