Turning over in bed is complicated. I definitely have to wake up fully to do it and sometimes I need to get half out of bed to turn over.
Relatedly, not being able to lie on my back. I sleep on my side mostly, but I do generally spend some time relaxing on my back when I first get into bed. I can't do that at the moment!
Being a pin-cushion. With 2 injections and 4 blood glucose finger pricks a day, that's a lot of sticking needles into myself. Fortunately, I'm not squeamish about needles, but I won't miss having to stick myself multiple times a day.
The effort of getting up out of a chair or bed. Usually accompanied by an involuntary "Oof!".
The pain at the bottom of my ribs on the right hand side. Apparently this is common in pregnancy, something to do with the ligaments between the ribs relaxing and the bottom ribs bowing out to make more room. I'm not sure why since my torso is long enough that Zarquon doesn't really reach that high. But the pain is there, most of the time, especially at night when I lie on my right. I hope it just goes once I give birth. (I did ask an obstetrician about it since it can be a sign of something more serious like a liver infection or HELLP, but he was happy that I didn't have any other symptoms of anything serious and it should be nothing to worry about).
Being hyper cautious about what I eat. Not so much the normal diet restrictions of pregnancy (though I do have the occasional craving for Eggs Benedict) but the specific ones for gestational diabetes. I do think it's been good for me to be forced to eat healthily for the last couple of months and I hope some of my good habits (like salad wrap lunches and plenty of veg with my dinner) will stick after the GD has gone. But I do miss muesli for breakfast and sometimes I would love a bowl of ice cream!
Central heating! I'm so hot, all the time. It has been very hot for the last few weeks: 27C most days and sometimes up to 30 or 31C. What with that and the little furnace in my belly, I've been pretty sweaty, especially at night. Of course, once Zarquon's born, her temperature won't be being regulated by mine anymore and we'll have to make sure she stays cool enough/warm enough. But at least I won't feel so overheated all the time. I hope!
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Things I will miss about being pregnant
The little kicks and wiggles from inside. I love feeling Zarquon moving around.
The bump. I like being bump-shaped! I feel feminine, fertile and womanly. I'm a little waddly, but I don't feel that enormous, just curvy.
Being looked after. No-one minds giving up their seat to a heavily pregnant woman. People ask if I'm OK, how I'm finding the heat.
Afternoon naps on my schedule! Once Zarquon's here, naps and everything else will be on her schedule, at least at first.
Zarquon is very portable and easy to look after right now. I don't have to think about how to carry her or feed her.
The bump. I like being bump-shaped! I feel feminine, fertile and womanly. I'm a little waddly, but I don't feel that enormous, just curvy.
Being looked after. No-one minds giving up their seat to a heavily pregnant woman. People ask if I'm OK, how I'm finding the heat.
Afternoon naps on my schedule! Once Zarquon's here, naps and everything else will be on her schedule, at least at first.
Zarquon is very portable and easy to look after right now. I don't have to think about how to carry her or feed her.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
36 weeks, 6 days
So, the decision has been made. I will be induced at 38 weeks.
To back up a bit: I had a 36 week growth scan on Tuesday and saw the obstetric and diabetes teams. The scan looks fine. Zarquon is consistently on the 50th percentile line and doesn't look to be getting too big or too fat round the middle. I've done a good job with keeping my blood sugar under control, but need metformin over night. It's because of the need for medication that I'm being induced early. If I were well controlled on diet alone, I could probably go to 40 weeks. I think this explains the disparity between the first and second obstetrician I saw. At the time I saw the first one, I was controlling my blood sugar by diet alone, but by the second I'd started on metformin.
It's quite hard finding good information on why early induction is better for GD. The NICE guidance, as far as I understand it, looks at the numbers of early inductions (typically 38-39 weeks) and the outcomes but doesn't really address the underlying reasons for early induction. It's more a case of this is what happens and it seems to be safe. A relevant passage says:
"The NICE induction of labour guideline recommended that women with pregnancies complicated by diabetes should be offered induction of labour before their estimated date for delivery. Although the guidelines reported that there were insufficient data clarifying the gestation-specific risk for unexplained stillbirth in pregnancies complicated by diabetes, the GDG [Guideline Development Group] that developed the induction of labour guideline considered that it was usual practice in the UK to offer induction of labour to women with type 1 diabetes before 40 weeks of gestation."
Early induction for macrosomia (baby over 4kg or 4.25kg depending on who's defining it) is the most commonly cited reason, because of the associated risk of shoulder dystocia. That doesn't seem to be the case for me and Zarquon. There is still a risk of still birth (one study found a rate of 26.8 stillbirths per 1000 live and still births for women with all types of diabetes, not just GD, versus a national rate of 5.7 per 1000 live and still births), although it's unclear if it's actually a larger risk for well-controlled GD.
I have the impression if I ask an obstetrician pointblank why I should be induced early, they're either going to say "because that's standard practice for GD" or say something about the increased risk of still birth, which is probably scary enough for most women to agree to an induction on that basis. But I need to remember I am not an expert at interpreting scientific evidence and medical guidance.
Anyway. I am being induced at 38 weeks or soon afterwards. I am OK with this. I'm not completely convinced it's necessary, but I'm willing to trust the obstetricians' judgement. It did help that the last obstetrician I saw was helpful and friendly, explained why the previous two gave different answers and gave me a thorough explanation of the process of induction, with all of its if-thens and what happens if steps.
Of course, I'd love to know how long it will take to get labour going, but that really is something no-one can tell me. It all depends on how I respond to the drugs. I'm hoping it's fairly straightforward, that the prostaglandin pessary and gels work for me and I don't need syntocinon to get things going. I will have continuous fetal monitoring. I may need a glucose and insulin IV once I'm in labour if my blood glucose doesn't stay in my target range. I'd like to get through labour with my TENS machine and gas and air, but I'm open to the idea of an epidural if I need one. Especially if I do have to have syntocinon. I think I'm more open to having an epidural than to pethidine, because the latter seems to have more side effects for the baby. All these unknowns! And I might still manage to go into labour spontaneously, you never know. We will find out soon.
To back up a bit: I had a 36 week growth scan on Tuesday and saw the obstetric and diabetes teams. The scan looks fine. Zarquon is consistently on the 50th percentile line and doesn't look to be getting too big or too fat round the middle. I've done a good job with keeping my blood sugar under control, but need metformin over night. It's because of the need for medication that I'm being induced early. If I were well controlled on diet alone, I could probably go to 40 weeks. I think this explains the disparity between the first and second obstetrician I saw. At the time I saw the first one, I was controlling my blood sugar by diet alone, but by the second I'd started on metformin.
It's quite hard finding good information on why early induction is better for GD. The NICE guidance, as far as I understand it, looks at the numbers of early inductions (typically 38-39 weeks) and the outcomes but doesn't really address the underlying reasons for early induction. It's more a case of this is what happens and it seems to be safe. A relevant passage says:
"The NICE induction of labour guideline recommended that women with pregnancies complicated by diabetes should be offered induction of labour before their estimated date for delivery. Although the guidelines reported that there were insufficient data clarifying the gestation-specific risk for unexplained stillbirth in pregnancies complicated by diabetes, the GDG [Guideline Development Group] that developed the induction of labour guideline considered that it was usual practice in the UK to offer induction of labour to women with type 1 diabetes before 40 weeks of gestation."
http://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg63/resources/cg63-diabetes-in-pregnancy-full-guideline-reissued-july-2008-2 p120
Early induction for macrosomia (baby over 4kg or 4.25kg depending on who's defining it) is the most commonly cited reason, because of the associated risk of shoulder dystocia. That doesn't seem to be the case for me and Zarquon. There is still a risk of still birth (one study found a rate of 26.8 stillbirths per 1000 live and still births for women with all types of diabetes, not just GD, versus a national rate of 5.7 per 1000 live and still births), although it's unclear if it's actually a larger risk for well-controlled GD.
I have the impression if I ask an obstetrician pointblank why I should be induced early, they're either going to say "because that's standard practice for GD" or say something about the increased risk of still birth, which is probably scary enough for most women to agree to an induction on that basis. But I need to remember I am not an expert at interpreting scientific evidence and medical guidance.
Anyway. I am being induced at 38 weeks or soon afterwards. I am OK with this. I'm not completely convinced it's necessary, but I'm willing to trust the obstetricians' judgement. It did help that the last obstetrician I saw was helpful and friendly, explained why the previous two gave different answers and gave me a thorough explanation of the process of induction, with all of its if-thens and what happens if steps.
Of course, I'd love to know how long it will take to get labour going, but that really is something no-one can tell me. It all depends on how I respond to the drugs. I'm hoping it's fairly straightforward, that the prostaglandin pessary and gels work for me and I don't need syntocinon to get things going. I will have continuous fetal monitoring. I may need a glucose and insulin IV once I'm in labour if my blood glucose doesn't stay in my target range. I'd like to get through labour with my TENS machine and gas and air, but I'm open to the idea of an epidural if I need one. Especially if I do have to have syntocinon. I think I'm more open to having an epidural than to pethidine, because the latter seems to have more side effects for the baby. All these unknowns! And I might still manage to go into labour spontaneously, you never know. We will find out soon.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Maternity clothes - what I wore
I have lived for the past 8 months mostly in a variation on my pre-pregnancy wardrobe of leggings and dresses. Pretty early on I switched to over-the-bump maternity leggings. Even before there was much of a bump, anything around my waist felt too tight and uncomfortable. The ones I had came via my sisters. One pair was from Mothercare, another from a brand called Miki, who seem to be based in Malaysia, so goodness knows how they ended up in this country. I also had a bunch of maternity t-shirts from Next. Along with my usual jersey dresses, that kept me going for a good while. In fact, I can still wear a good proportion of my pre-pregnancy stretchy dresses, the ones that are more or less empire-line, flaring out under the bust.
Things I bought
Jeans from Simply Be: These are useful, but not as well fitting as I thought they would be. Only now at 8 months pregnant are they not baggy and in danger of falling down. Perhaps the sizing is a little generous? To be fair, I was probably nearer a size 20 that 22 (at least at Simply Be) before I got pregnant, thanks for losing almost 10kg over the autumn. I ordered several things from Simply Be as they're one of the few places that does size 18+ maternity clothing. Sadly, I sent most things back again. Some just didn't fit well, others, the fabrics weren't good quality. The range looks good, but I was disappointed by the quality and I wanted things that would show off the bump, not try to camouflage it in baggy shapelessness.
Leggings from Bon Prix: shorter than the ones I've linked. I got a two pack with one pair grey and one pair black. I wear them a lot. Again, I tried other garments from Bon Prix as they have a good stock of larger sized maternity clothes, but sent them back as I didn't like them, for the same reasons - too shapeless or low quality fabrics. I like cotton! I do not like polyester and nylon. This is a common failing in plus size clothing.
Wrap t-shirt by Isabella Oliver: not at full price, I hasten to add! I bought 2 of these on eBay (in size 6, equivalent to about size 20, though IO seem to have stopped making things in that size) for a total of £30, one in red and one in brown. I have worn the red one a few times and the brown one not at all. They are a fun garment to put on, though need adjusting throughout the day. I think they make stylish workwear, which is rare in maternity clothing. I probably should not have bought the brown one, as brown isn't really my colour. I haven't tried wearing them recently as I think I'd be too hot and I'm not completely sure they'd fit anymore. The wrap style is quite forgiving, but I'm rather at the top of the size range. A nice treat and I enjoy them. I will definitely hang onto these for the future. And actually, they'd probably work as breastfeeding tops too, though they might be fiddly.
Dress and t-shirt from H&M: I adore this dress! It's my favourite thing to wear as it shows off the bump beautifully, as does the t-shirt. I don't think that's quite the same style as the one I have, but it's more or less right. I like H&M's maternity range. Lots of good jersey basics in sizes up to XL (which they describe as 22-24, though I think it's more like 20-22) and it's all good and long in the body and sleeves. I've continued to wear a lot of non-maternity H&M stuff too - vest tops which are long and stretchy enough to go over the bump and jersey mini skirts which are just about bum-covering enough that I can wear leggings, a mini skirt and a t-shirt and not feel underdressed. They do nursing tops too. I've got a couple of second hand ones in a drawer waiting for that stage, so I'll see how they suit me when I get there. I suspect they may not quite work for me as I'm pretty large busted and therefore shelf-bra type arrangements under tops tend not to be big enough, but we'll see. Good work all round H&M.
Project D London Victoria Dress: this was the eventual result of my search for a suitably glamorous dress to wear to a posh wedding in Cyprus at the end of June. I did feel fabulous in it, though it was a leetle bit too low cut. I meant to take double sided tape with me, but forgot, so my bra was on show for most of the occasion. Oops. The dress I desperately wanted was the Tilda Maxi dress by Isabella Oliver. But it was last year's and extremely popular at the time, and now nowhere to be found. The Project D Queens Maxi looked like a good second choice, but I never found anywhere that had it in stock. (I wish I had discovered Project D before they ceased to be. Some of the dresses are gorgeous and all go up to big sizes). I tried to find specifically maternity evening dresses, but couldn't find anything I liked that went to big enough sizes at a price I could afford. I love Seraphine's dresses, particularly this colour block maxi, but with sizes only going up to 18 and priced as you might expect for a silk evening gown, this was never really a realistic option. I've had good results with empire line-ish maxi dresses though. A greenish print jersey one I got from BHS of all places has had good wear, as has this striped t-shirt maxi from Taking shape.
Minted Rose dress from Taking Shape: I bought this as a bump-friendly dress for weddings. I'm not sure it's as successful as I'd like. It looks a little shapeless on. Again, perhaps I wanted a 20 rather than a 22. It definitely needs a camisole underneath to stop it gapping and the netted petticoat shown in the photo, which it needs for shape, is sold separately. I will wear it again I suspect, for the next wedding we'll shoot in November. For one thing, the wrap top should be easy to breastfeed in.
Zoggs Mallacoota Maternity swimming costume from Marisota: spent ages trying to find a maternity swimming costume in my size. This was pricey, but it looks good. I like the adjustable bust and side ruching. It does ride up a little in the water as the top layer is only anchored at the top. This is bearable as I don't do a lot of serious swimming. So far I've worn it in the hotel pool in Cyprus and the hot tub at my mother-in-law's. I do want to do some swimming as it's so hot. Now that I'm officially on maternity leave I should schedule some swimming sessions.
There are a couple of other things. T-shirts from New Look. One from their maternity range (which annoyingly only goes up to size 18) and one shapeless t-shirt in a funky print from their Inspire range. I think I've spent a lot of time browsing clothing websites and ordered and sent back more garments than I actually bought. H&M are definitely my favourite for maternity clothes, though it probably helps that I don't need to be particularly smart for work. If I had a job which required smart work wear, I think I would be very stuck to know where to look for maternity clothes in my size. Possibly Next might have been my saviour.
Things I bought
Jeans from Simply Be: These are useful, but not as well fitting as I thought they would be. Only now at 8 months pregnant are they not baggy and in danger of falling down. Perhaps the sizing is a little generous? To be fair, I was probably nearer a size 20 that 22 (at least at Simply Be) before I got pregnant, thanks for losing almost 10kg over the autumn. I ordered several things from Simply Be as they're one of the few places that does size 18+ maternity clothing. Sadly, I sent most things back again. Some just didn't fit well, others, the fabrics weren't good quality. The range looks good, but I was disappointed by the quality and I wanted things that would show off the bump, not try to camouflage it in baggy shapelessness.
Leggings from Bon Prix: shorter than the ones I've linked. I got a two pack with one pair grey and one pair black. I wear them a lot. Again, I tried other garments from Bon Prix as they have a good stock of larger sized maternity clothes, but sent them back as I didn't like them, for the same reasons - too shapeless or low quality fabrics. I like cotton! I do not like polyester and nylon. This is a common failing in plus size clothing.
Wrap t-shirt by Isabella Oliver: not at full price, I hasten to add! I bought 2 of these on eBay (in size 6, equivalent to about size 20, though IO seem to have stopped making things in that size) for a total of £30, one in red and one in brown. I have worn the red one a few times and the brown one not at all. They are a fun garment to put on, though need adjusting throughout the day. I think they make stylish workwear, which is rare in maternity clothing. I probably should not have bought the brown one, as brown isn't really my colour. I haven't tried wearing them recently as I think I'd be too hot and I'm not completely sure they'd fit anymore. The wrap style is quite forgiving, but I'm rather at the top of the size range. A nice treat and I enjoy them. I will definitely hang onto these for the future. And actually, they'd probably work as breastfeeding tops too, though they might be fiddly.
Dress and t-shirt from H&M: I adore this dress! It's my favourite thing to wear as it shows off the bump beautifully, as does the t-shirt. I don't think that's quite the same style as the one I have, but it's more or less right. I like H&M's maternity range. Lots of good jersey basics in sizes up to XL (which they describe as 22-24, though I think it's more like 20-22) and it's all good and long in the body and sleeves. I've continued to wear a lot of non-maternity H&M stuff too - vest tops which are long and stretchy enough to go over the bump and jersey mini skirts which are just about bum-covering enough that I can wear leggings, a mini skirt and a t-shirt and not feel underdressed. They do nursing tops too. I've got a couple of second hand ones in a drawer waiting for that stage, so I'll see how they suit me when I get there. I suspect they may not quite work for me as I'm pretty large busted and therefore shelf-bra type arrangements under tops tend not to be big enough, but we'll see. Good work all round H&M.
Project D London Victoria Dress: this was the eventual result of my search for a suitably glamorous dress to wear to a posh wedding in Cyprus at the end of June. I did feel fabulous in it, though it was a leetle bit too low cut. I meant to take double sided tape with me, but forgot, so my bra was on show for most of the occasion. Oops. The dress I desperately wanted was the Tilda Maxi dress by Isabella Oliver. But it was last year's and extremely popular at the time, and now nowhere to be found. The Project D Queens Maxi looked like a good second choice, but I never found anywhere that had it in stock. (I wish I had discovered Project D before they ceased to be. Some of the dresses are gorgeous and all go up to big sizes). I tried to find specifically maternity evening dresses, but couldn't find anything I liked that went to big enough sizes at a price I could afford. I love Seraphine's dresses, particularly this colour block maxi, but with sizes only going up to 18 and priced as you might expect for a silk evening gown, this was never really a realistic option. I've had good results with empire line-ish maxi dresses though. A greenish print jersey one I got from BHS of all places has had good wear, as has this striped t-shirt maxi from Taking shape.
Minted Rose dress from Taking Shape: I bought this as a bump-friendly dress for weddings. I'm not sure it's as successful as I'd like. It looks a little shapeless on. Again, perhaps I wanted a 20 rather than a 22. It definitely needs a camisole underneath to stop it gapping and the netted petticoat shown in the photo, which it needs for shape, is sold separately. I will wear it again I suspect, for the next wedding we'll shoot in November. For one thing, the wrap top should be easy to breastfeed in.
Zoggs Mallacoota Maternity swimming costume from Marisota: spent ages trying to find a maternity swimming costume in my size. This was pricey, but it looks good. I like the adjustable bust and side ruching. It does ride up a little in the water as the top layer is only anchored at the top. This is bearable as I don't do a lot of serious swimming. So far I've worn it in the hotel pool in Cyprus and the hot tub at my mother-in-law's. I do want to do some swimming as it's so hot. Now that I'm officially on maternity leave I should schedule some swimming sessions.
There are a couple of other things. T-shirts from New Look. One from their maternity range (which annoyingly only goes up to size 18) and one shapeless t-shirt in a funky print from their Inspire range. I think I've spent a lot of time browsing clothing websites and ordered and sent back more garments than I actually bought. H&M are definitely my favourite for maternity clothes, though it probably helps that I don't need to be particularly smart for work. If I had a job which required smart work wear, I think I would be very stuck to know where to look for maternity clothes in my size. Possibly Next might have been my saviour.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
35 weeks, 2 days
Oops, how did that happen? I've been neglecting the blog again. So, what have you missed?
Zarquon is a girl. Pretty definitely. She wasn't exactly co-operative at her 20 week scan though. We had to go away for half an hour in the middle and do some walking around to get her to move so that the sonographer could get a measurement on the blood vessels of her heart. Then, finally, I had to empty my bladder to get her into the right position to see her gender. But Rob was right all along. She is a girl. :)
Things progressed pretty uneventfully for a while after that. I got bigger, the bump showed more, I needed more actual maternity clothes (planning a post about my favourite places for buying those). Then, at 28 weeks I had a glucose tolerance test (GTT) which is standard practice for someone with a 30+ BMI. Women with a BMI below 30 get a glucose challenge test, which takes an hour. GTT takes 2 hours, but essentially both are measuring similar things - overnight fasting blood glucose and how well your body processes sugar.
I didn't expect it to show anything unusual. After all, I didn't feel unwell, or extra thirsty or like I needed to wee a lot. I had no reason to think I might have gestational diabetes. But, according to the test, I did. My results were borderline, only just into the range where they flag you for follow-up. But it was enough to need monitoring.
I was pretty upset the first day I found out. This was the last nail in the coffin of my ideal birth preferences. With GD, continuous monitoring during labour is standard practice and induction at 38-40 weeks is also standard. There's a risk of the baby being large (macrosomia) and of shoulder dystocia, where the baby fails to once the head is born, resulting in her getting stuck in the birth canal. Basically, zero chance of a water birth and a pretty high chance of needing further interventions. Plus I was worried about flying to Cyprus at the end of June. I already needed a fit to fly letter to say I was safe to fly and had no complications and here was another complication.
The midwife I saw that day was reassuring. The GD was controllable, whether with diet alone or with medication. I should be ok to fly, at least. And my birth plans? Well, I had a while to think about them and get used to the idea at least. And knowing there was something wrong was the first step to making it right.
So, since then, I've had an awful lot of hospital appointments. I have extra scans, the first at 32 weeks, the next at 36 and one more at 40 if I get that far. Every couple of weeks I see the obstetric diabetes team and an obstetrician. I had an assessment from an anaesthetist, who talked me through what an epidural would involve if I wanted one. (Right now, I don't think I do, but I've never given birth before, induction has a reputation for making labour more painful and it's good to know the option is there if I need it). Not forgetting the haematology clinic I've been going to every 8 weeks or so since the beginning. It all adds up to a lot of time at the Rosie, mostly in the antenatal outpatients clinic.
The good news is we got my blood sugar levels (which I have to measure 4 times a day with a finger prick blood sample) under control fairly quickly with diet and metformin. The day time ones were pretty easy to get right by changing my diet - limiting sugar, cutting out refined carbs and replacing them with wholemeal bread and pasta. I've had to forgo my usual bowl of muesli for breakfast, which I miss, because I can't cope with oats and milk and yoghurt and banana first thing in the morning. Instead I'm having scrambled eggs on wholemeal toast, which is nowhere near as good, but doesn't do bad things to my blood glucose. Over night took longer to stabilise. I'm now on 2 tablets (1g) of metformin, which makes my body more sensitive to insulin, so the amount my body makes can work more efficiently processing stored glucose overnight. I got a bit frustrated when I had to increase the dosage (and worried about having to go onto insulin if it didn't work) but the diabetes team reassured me that really, there wasn't anything else I could do if my daytime control was good, apart from take medication at night. I am controlling my levels well with diet during the day. Also, my weight gain is good (7.5 kg above my booking weight) which helps. I've not put on any weight since I changed my diet to control my blood glucose. I lost a little (maybe 0.5 - 1kg) initially, which worried me, but it soon stabilised.
The bad news is I don't yet know if I'm going to be induced early or at 40 weeks, or not at all. The first consultant I saw on the day of my 32 week scan was happy that Zarquon's growth looked normal, particularly her head circumference to belly circumference wasn't large and because of that, he was happy for me not to be induced early and have the offer of induction at 40 weeks, though the choice was up to me. The evidence for early induction in my kind of case - borderline GD, well controlled by diet without insulin, baby not looking large - is inconclusive. It happens to lots of people since the standard route for GD is early induction at 38 or 39 weeks, but it's possible women who are well-controlled don't need it. Though of course, it's possible they do. (Also, growth scans are notoriously unreliable for predicting birth weight. I'm therefore not sure why they bother measuring so much, but I suppose having a look and trying might tell you something?)
Then, at my last obstetric clinic appointment I saw a difference obstetrician who said they wouldn't let me go to 40 weeks and I'd be induced around 39 weeks. I challenged this by repeating what the previous obstetrician had said (though, annoyingly, he hadn't put any of that in my notes) and pointing out that I was well controlled, not on insulin and the baby wasn't looking big. She did back down a bit after asking colleagues about my results and we agreed we'd make a decision at 36 weeks, after my next growth scan.
I think I basically ran into the problem of varying degrees of risk-averseness among medical professionals. I think the first man was more senior, with a better understanding of the evidence and the second women was going by standard procedure. The potential complications associated with GD are serious - placental abruption, still birth, foetal death because of getting stuck in the birth canal, though the absolute risks are small and hard to calculate accurately. It's easy to be scared by the prospect of still birth and I don't want to put my daughter at unnecessary risk. But it's hard to quantify risk exactly. I would rather not be induced because of the increased risk of further interventions. But I'm not completely sure that I'm not being selfish, trying to avoid discomfort for me at the expense of increasing the risk of damage or death for my baby.
Right now, I hope I'll be booked for an induction at 40 weeks, but actually go into labour spontaneously before that. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do to make that happen! I don't want an early induction. Maybe if I can convince the hospital to book me for induction towards the end of week 40, have a membrane sweep at my 40 week appointment and hope that starts things off? I don't know. We will see what my 36 week scan and appointments bring next Tuesday. I am trying to remain calm and trust God.
Zarquon is a girl. Pretty definitely. She wasn't exactly co-operative at her 20 week scan though. We had to go away for half an hour in the middle and do some walking around to get her to move so that the sonographer could get a measurement on the blood vessels of her heart. Then, finally, I had to empty my bladder to get her into the right position to see her gender. But Rob was right all along. She is a girl. :)
Things progressed pretty uneventfully for a while after that. I got bigger, the bump showed more, I needed more actual maternity clothes (planning a post about my favourite places for buying those). Then, at 28 weeks I had a glucose tolerance test (GTT) which is standard practice for someone with a 30+ BMI. Women with a BMI below 30 get a glucose challenge test, which takes an hour. GTT takes 2 hours, but essentially both are measuring similar things - overnight fasting blood glucose and how well your body processes sugar.
I didn't expect it to show anything unusual. After all, I didn't feel unwell, or extra thirsty or like I needed to wee a lot. I had no reason to think I might have gestational diabetes. But, according to the test, I did. My results were borderline, only just into the range where they flag you for follow-up. But it was enough to need monitoring.
I was pretty upset the first day I found out. This was the last nail in the coffin of my ideal birth preferences. With GD, continuous monitoring during labour is standard practice and induction at 38-40 weeks is also standard. There's a risk of the baby being large (macrosomia) and of shoulder dystocia, where the baby fails to once the head is born, resulting in her getting stuck in the birth canal. Basically, zero chance of a water birth and a pretty high chance of needing further interventions. Plus I was worried about flying to Cyprus at the end of June. I already needed a fit to fly letter to say I was safe to fly and had no complications and here was another complication.
The midwife I saw that day was reassuring. The GD was controllable, whether with diet alone or with medication. I should be ok to fly, at least. And my birth plans? Well, I had a while to think about them and get used to the idea at least. And knowing there was something wrong was the first step to making it right.
So, since then, I've had an awful lot of hospital appointments. I have extra scans, the first at 32 weeks, the next at 36 and one more at 40 if I get that far. Every couple of weeks I see the obstetric diabetes team and an obstetrician. I had an assessment from an anaesthetist, who talked me through what an epidural would involve if I wanted one. (Right now, I don't think I do, but I've never given birth before, induction has a reputation for making labour more painful and it's good to know the option is there if I need it). Not forgetting the haematology clinic I've been going to every 8 weeks or so since the beginning. It all adds up to a lot of time at the Rosie, mostly in the antenatal outpatients clinic.
The good news is we got my blood sugar levels (which I have to measure 4 times a day with a finger prick blood sample) under control fairly quickly with diet and metformin. The day time ones were pretty easy to get right by changing my diet - limiting sugar, cutting out refined carbs and replacing them with wholemeal bread and pasta. I've had to forgo my usual bowl of muesli for breakfast, which I miss, because I can't cope with oats and milk and yoghurt and banana first thing in the morning. Instead I'm having scrambled eggs on wholemeal toast, which is nowhere near as good, but doesn't do bad things to my blood glucose. Over night took longer to stabilise. I'm now on 2 tablets (1g) of metformin, which makes my body more sensitive to insulin, so the amount my body makes can work more efficiently processing stored glucose overnight. I got a bit frustrated when I had to increase the dosage (and worried about having to go onto insulin if it didn't work) but the diabetes team reassured me that really, there wasn't anything else I could do if my daytime control was good, apart from take medication at night. I am controlling my levels well with diet during the day. Also, my weight gain is good (7.5 kg above my booking weight) which helps. I've not put on any weight since I changed my diet to control my blood glucose. I lost a little (maybe 0.5 - 1kg) initially, which worried me, but it soon stabilised.
The bad news is I don't yet know if I'm going to be induced early or at 40 weeks, or not at all. The first consultant I saw on the day of my 32 week scan was happy that Zarquon's growth looked normal, particularly her head circumference to belly circumference wasn't large and because of that, he was happy for me not to be induced early and have the offer of induction at 40 weeks, though the choice was up to me. The evidence for early induction in my kind of case - borderline GD, well controlled by diet without insulin, baby not looking large - is inconclusive. It happens to lots of people since the standard route for GD is early induction at 38 or 39 weeks, but it's possible women who are well-controlled don't need it. Though of course, it's possible they do. (Also, growth scans are notoriously unreliable for predicting birth weight. I'm therefore not sure why they bother measuring so much, but I suppose having a look and trying might tell you something?)
Then, at my last obstetric clinic appointment I saw a difference obstetrician who said they wouldn't let me go to 40 weeks and I'd be induced around 39 weeks. I challenged this by repeating what the previous obstetrician had said (though, annoyingly, he hadn't put any of that in my notes) and pointing out that I was well controlled, not on insulin and the baby wasn't looking big. She did back down a bit after asking colleagues about my results and we agreed we'd make a decision at 36 weeks, after my next growth scan.
I think I basically ran into the problem of varying degrees of risk-averseness among medical professionals. I think the first man was more senior, with a better understanding of the evidence and the second women was going by standard procedure. The potential complications associated with GD are serious - placental abruption, still birth, foetal death because of getting stuck in the birth canal, though the absolute risks are small and hard to calculate accurately. It's easy to be scared by the prospect of still birth and I don't want to put my daughter at unnecessary risk. But it's hard to quantify risk exactly. I would rather not be induced because of the increased risk of further interventions. But I'm not completely sure that I'm not being selfish, trying to avoid discomfort for me at the expense of increasing the risk of damage or death for my baby.
Right now, I hope I'll be booked for an induction at 40 weeks, but actually go into labour spontaneously before that. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do to make that happen! I don't want an early induction. Maybe if I can convince the hospital to book me for induction towards the end of week 40, have a membrane sweep at my 40 week appointment and hope that starts things off? I don't know. We will see what my 36 week scan and appointments bring next Tuesday. I am trying to remain calm and trust God.
Wednesday, April 02, 2014
20 weeks, 2 days - halfway, baby!
How did that happen? Somewhere we're halfway through the 40 weeks of pregnancy. Of course, for the first 2 weeks, I wasn't pregnant, and for for the first 4 or 5 weeks, I didn't know. And babies can be late or early, so it's hard to know exactly when the halfway point is, but we'll call it now.
Next scan is on Thursday next week. I'm excited already! We want to find out if Zarquon is a boy or a girl. I hope (s)he co-operates!
It's time we started getting the flat ready. Rob wants to put about half our stuff in storage or get rid of it entirely. (!) Which is a good idea, I'm just not good at letting things go. But it's a small flat and right now, there's nowhere to put baby things like clothes, nappies, a cot, a baby bath, a buggy. We're planning not to buy much, but lots will come from family and it needs to go somewhere.
Next scan is on Thursday next week. I'm excited already! We want to find out if Zarquon is a boy or a girl. I hope (s)he co-operates!
It's time we started getting the flat ready. Rob wants to put about half our stuff in storage or get rid of it entirely. (!) Which is a good idea, I'm just not good at letting things go. But it's a small flat and right now, there's nowhere to put baby things like clothes, nappies, a cot, a baby bath, a buggy. We're planning not to buy much, but lots will come from family and it needs to go somewhere.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
19 weeks and 6 days - Mothers' day
Today is Mothering Sunday, my first ever as a mother. I am so grateful.
Last year, I dreaded Mothers' day. We'd been trying for a baby for over a year, with nothing. I was pretty down about it, feeling like I'd never get to have a baby and sad and angry with God. This year, here I am, pregnant and almost halfway to my due date.
I wish I could guarantee such a happy outcome for everyone who yearns for a baby. I know I can't. All I can offer is hugs and prayers and the knowledge that God is good.
Last year, I dreaded Mothers' day. We'd been trying for a baby for over a year, with nothing. I was pretty down about it, feeling like I'd never get to have a baby and sad and angry with God. This year, here I am, pregnant and almost halfway to my due date.
I wish I could guarantee such a happy outcome for everyone who yearns for a baby. I know I can't. All I can offer is hugs and prayers and the knowledge that God is good.
Friday, March 28, 2014
19 weeks and 4 days
Lately, I'm enjoying pregnancy. My back has settled down and isn't keeping me awake. I haven't worn the back support for a week or two, but I'm glad I've got it if I need it. I have had cramp once this week, which I do not like at all, but that seems to be normal for pregnancy.
As far as I know, all is well with Zarquon. After not being able to get a nucal fold measurement, I had a blood test done. That revealed a less than 1 in 10,000 risk of Down's syndrome and a low risk of spina bifida, which is great news. I'm not sure I've felt her move lately, but I've never been entirely sure if the movements I feel are baby or digestive system, so I'm not too worried.
The next scan is in just under 2 weeks. We plan to find our whether Zarquon is a boy or a girl, providing he or she co-operates. :) Rob is convinced she's a girl, so much so that we tend to talk about her as 'our daughter', but we'll see!
Last week, we were on holiday in the Lake District, with our friends J and J who are expecting a baby about 5 weeks before ours. It's fun to have someone to compare notes with and they're both doctors, which means they actually know stuff. :)
Life is fairly baby-dominated for me. We've not done a lot in the way of preparation, but soon we need to start tidying and making room for baby things. I suspect a lot is going to have to either be got rid of, or out into storage somewhere. It's not a big flat and babies, for all they're small, seem to need a lot of stuff - cot, clothes, nappies, maybe a baby bath. We're not planning to buy a lot, as there are lots of hand me downs from Hannah and Debs' babies, but still, we need to find some room.
As far as I know, all is well with Zarquon. After not being able to get a nucal fold measurement, I had a blood test done. That revealed a less than 1 in 10,000 risk of Down's syndrome and a low risk of spina bifida, which is great news. I'm not sure I've felt her move lately, but I've never been entirely sure if the movements I feel are baby or digestive system, so I'm not too worried.
The next scan is in just under 2 weeks. We plan to find our whether Zarquon is a boy or a girl, providing he or she co-operates. :) Rob is convinced she's a girl, so much so that we tend to talk about her as 'our daughter', but we'll see!
Last week, we were on holiday in the Lake District, with our friends J and J who are expecting a baby about 5 weeks before ours. It's fun to have someone to compare notes with and they're both doctors, which means they actually know stuff. :)
Life is fairly baby-dominated for me. We've not done a lot in the way of preparation, but soon we need to start tidying and making room for baby things. I suspect a lot is going to have to either be got rid of, or out into storage somewhere. It's not a big flat and babies, for all they're small, seem to need a lot of stuff - cot, clothes, nappies, maybe a baby bath. We're not planning to buy a lot, as there are lots of hand me downs from Hannah and Debs' babies, but still, we need to find some room.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
17 weeks
I was enchanted to find out this week that Zarquon now has eyebrows and eyelashes. I wonder if they're the same beautiful golden ginger colour as Rob's?
I think I felt the baby move last night. I got up to go to the bathroom at about 3am and when I came back to bed, I could feel little bubbly, fluttery movements in my stomach. Was that my baby? I hope so. I we heard the heartbeat for the first time too. We've been lent a little heart rate monitor and though it's tricky to use, I think I heard a little, fast heartbeat that wasn't mine. I made Rob listen to it too, though I'm not sure I knew what he should be listening to.
At the weekend we met up with a couple whose wedding we will be photographing and took some photos of them. I love doing that. It's something Rob and I can do as a team. By the time of their wedding, I'll be 28 weeks pregnant. It'll be the last wedding I shoot before Zarquon is born. I hope I can manage it! There'll be quite a bump by then and I won't be up to carrying much equipment around. Rob can do the running around and climbing things and I'll have to be more static, I think.
I think I felt the baby move last night. I got up to go to the bathroom at about 3am and when I came back to bed, I could feel little bubbly, fluttery movements in my stomach. Was that my baby? I hope so. I we heard the heartbeat for the first time too. We've been lent a little heart rate monitor and though it's tricky to use, I think I heard a little, fast heartbeat that wasn't mine. I made Rob listen to it too, though I'm not sure I knew what he should be listening to.
At the weekend we met up with a couple whose wedding we will be photographing and took some photos of them. I love doing that. It's something Rob and I can do as a team. By the time of their wedding, I'll be 28 weeks pregnant. It'll be the last wedding I shoot before Zarquon is born. I hope I can manage it! There'll be quite a bump by then and I won't be up to carrying much equipment around. Rob can do the running around and climbing things and I'll have to be more static, I think.
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
16 weeks
I've been pretty tired this week. My back hurts a lot. Yesterday I picked up a pelvic support band from the physio. I think it helps a bit. I need to keep doing my back exercises. I also woke up two nights in a row with leg cramps at night. So really, I've not been sleeping well. I suspect carrying heavy camera bags several days in a row is the main problem. I do hope the cramp doesn't happen every night. It's really horrible.
At the weekend Rob and I went to a photography trade show at the NEC and then to see Rob's family. My mother in law, Julia is very excited about becoming a grandma. She gave us a baby journal and a kit for making casts of baby hands and feet. Rob's siblings are fun and the dogs - three little bichon frise - are as crazy and barky as ever. I wonder how they'll react to a little person?
At the weekend Rob and I went to a photography trade show at the NEC and then to see Rob's family. My mother in law, Julia is very excited about becoming a grandma. She gave us a baby journal and a kit for making casts of baby hands and feet. Rob's siblings are fun and the dogs - three little bichon frise - are as crazy and barky as ever. I wonder how they'll react to a little person?
Friday, February 14, 2014
13 weeks and 2 days. Or is 13 weeks and 4 days?
Baby Zarquon!
Yesterday we got our first look at our baby. There's just the one in there, but he or she is alive and well and wriggly. She's buried deep; my uterus is tipped back, so she's well inside the pelvis. There's a fair amount of padding there too, so the sonographer couldn't get great pictures. But there's a baby in there! And he has all his arms and legs and a head and a spine and a heart and a stomach.
Ideally, baby would have flipped over (she's actually standing on her head, hence the upside picture) so that we could get a measure of the nucal fold (on the back of the head. It's an early test for Down's syndrome). But Zarquon (named by Rob) refused to flip, so upside down it was.
The sonographer did get a measurement from crown to rump of 72.6mm, which would make me 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant and gives us a new estimated due date of 18 August. But, babies come when they're ready, so who knows.
I am feeling a little less sick then I have, so I feel like I'm beginning to get to the second trimester glowing stage! I hope. Still quite tired though, and I'm fighting a cold/viral thing which keeps coming back. But when large swatches of the country are covered in water, with the threat of more to come, I am grateful for shelter, warmth and a tiny little wriggly jelly bean growing inside me.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
9 weeks, 6 days
Today I told all the members of my (all female) team that I'm pregnant. To a woman, they all reacted with squeals and grins and hugs. So lovely!
I'm still feeling tired and intermittently sick. The last couple of weeks have been quite draining. Life has plodded on as usual, but I'm very tired and not up to much. I'm hoping the end of the first trimester brings more energy and less nausea.
I have syringes full of low molecular weight heparin which I'm supposed to start injecting myself with this week*. The registrar I saw at the haematology clinic last week is insistent that I need to see the practice nurse for injection training. The reception staff at my surgery are insistent that the nurse can't do that and I need to see my GP. So, I'm seeing my GP on Friday. Hoping we can sort it out and I can cope with daily self-administered injections. :-S
*Blood clot in 2010 means I'm high risk for another blood clot during pregnancy. So, anti-coagulants until (I think) 8 weeks postpartum for me. What fun!
I'm still feeling tired and intermittently sick. The last couple of weeks have been quite draining. Life has plodded on as usual, but I'm very tired and not up to much. I'm hoping the end of the first trimester brings more energy and less nausea.
I have syringes full of low molecular weight heparin which I'm supposed to start injecting myself with this week*. The registrar I saw at the haematology clinic last week is insistent that I need to see the practice nurse for injection training. The reception staff at my surgery are insistent that the nurse can't do that and I need to see my GP. So, I'm seeing my GP on Friday. Hoping we can sort it out and I can cope with daily self-administered injections. :-S
*Blood clot in 2010 means I'm high risk for another blood clot during pregnancy. So, anti-coagulants until (I think) 8 weeks postpartum for me. What fun!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
9 weeks
Today I had my first visit to the obstetric haematology clinic. I was expecting this though it took longer than I expected to get referred. (I mentioned it at every appointment, but I think I only got properly referred at the midwife booking appointment last Friday).
I left feeling overwhelmed. I think it's partly the way in which you have to be proactive and organised as a pregnant woman. I have notes to carry around to every appointment, a form to take to a blood test, lots of appointments to make. It's good. I like the feeling of autonomy, and taking responsibility for my own care. But it also makes me feel a bit alone. I'd like a little hand holding some of the time!
The registrar this morning was friendly, but maybe a little too efficient. She was almost escorting me out to reception before I could ask my questions. (About flying. We're due to fly to Cyprus at the end of June, when I'll be 32 weeks). I know hospitals are busy, but I felt a little like a cog in the machine. Especially as I half hoped I would see one of the people I saw before at the thrombophilia clinic.
There's a lot of doing stuff myself, but also a lot of running on rails. I won't have a choice in where I give birth - too high risk. I will have consultant-led care, rather than being looked after by the local midwife team, but I'm not exactly sure what that means. I hope things become a little clearer after the first scan (at 13 weeks and 1 day) and my 16 week midwife appointment, when lots of test results get drawn together and I assume we make decisions about how my care goes from there.
I left feeling overwhelmed. I think it's partly the way in which you have to be proactive and organised as a pregnant woman. I have notes to carry around to every appointment, a form to take to a blood test, lots of appointments to make. It's good. I like the feeling of autonomy, and taking responsibility for my own care. But it also makes me feel a bit alone. I'd like a little hand holding some of the time!
The registrar this morning was friendly, but maybe a little too efficient. She was almost escorting me out to reception before I could ask my questions. (About flying. We're due to fly to Cyprus at the end of June, when I'll be 32 weeks). I know hospitals are busy, but I felt a little like a cog in the machine. Especially as I half hoped I would see one of the people I saw before at the thrombophilia clinic.
There's a lot of doing stuff myself, but also a lot of running on rails. I won't have a choice in where I give birth - too high risk. I will have consultant-led care, rather than being looked after by the local midwife team, but I'm not exactly sure what that means. I hope things become a little clearer after the first scan (at 13 weeks and 1 day) and my 16 week midwife appointment, when lots of test results get drawn together and I assume we make decisions about how my care goes from there.
Tuesday, January 07, 2014
7 weeks, 6 days
Today I have been mostly worrying.
I feel scared sometimes. I'm afraid that I'm making it up and I'm not really pregnant. Or I am really pregnant and the baby isn't going to survive. Or I'm pregnant with 3 babies, but they're actually aliens. Or boys. Or boy aliens. (I want a daughter! I have sisters, I can cope with girls. Boys scare me).
There's so little external evidence. It's too early for a bump. My bust might be bigger, but that might just look like Christmas weight gain or a particularly effective bra. I don't feel sick, just tired. My stomach muscles are periodically unhappy. Yesterday, whenever I stood up from my office chair, my stomach muscles hurt, as if they'd been awkwardly scrunched. Today, I'd made an effort to sit properly and things are better, but I suspect I need a better chair to work in. Mine doesn't go high enough or allow me to adjust the angle of the seat.
Tomorrow I have blood tests. On Friday I see a midwife. I'm not sure to what extent she (or I suppose he, but I've never met a male midwife) will be my midwife. There's a team. Or I might end up being looked after by a specialist midwife once the haematology clinic* see me.
There are many things that could go wrong. Many points from step 0: get pregnant, step 1: stay pregnant, step 1a: grow a healthy baby, step 2: give birth. Not to mention beyond the birth, when we get sent home with a live little person and we have to look after it.
I try to confine my thinking to possible risks and sensible solutions. I tell myself to turn the worries to prayers. Sometimes I do. More than that, I need to stop worrying, trust God. That has never been an easy thing to do, no matter how often the Bible tells me to. But I am powerless. Beyond putting sensible food into my body and making sure it gets enough rest and exercise, my baby's development is out of my hands now. Mysterious and mundane, foetal development will happen, or, sad possibility, cease, with no conscious input from me. The knitting together in my womb is not carried out by my hands.
*A blood clot, nearly 4 years now, means I need anti-coagulants. I'm 'high risk', technically. No super fluffy midwife-led birthing unit for me, never mind a home birth. This makes me a little sad. I think Rob is relieved.
I feel scared sometimes. I'm afraid that I'm making it up and I'm not really pregnant. Or I am really pregnant and the baby isn't going to survive. Or I'm pregnant with 3 babies, but they're actually aliens. Or boys. Or boy aliens. (I want a daughter! I have sisters, I can cope with girls. Boys scare me).
There's so little external evidence. It's too early for a bump. My bust might be bigger, but that might just look like Christmas weight gain or a particularly effective bra. I don't feel sick, just tired. My stomach muscles are periodically unhappy. Yesterday, whenever I stood up from my office chair, my stomach muscles hurt, as if they'd been awkwardly scrunched. Today, I'd made an effort to sit properly and things are better, but I suspect I need a better chair to work in. Mine doesn't go high enough or allow me to adjust the angle of the seat.
Tomorrow I have blood tests. On Friday I see a midwife. I'm not sure to what extent she (or I suppose he, but I've never met a male midwife) will be my midwife. There's a team. Or I might end up being looked after by a specialist midwife once the haematology clinic* see me.
There are many things that could go wrong. Many points from step 0: get pregnant, step 1: stay pregnant, step 1a: grow a healthy baby, step 2: give birth. Not to mention beyond the birth, when we get sent home with a live little person and we have to look after it.
I try to confine my thinking to possible risks and sensible solutions. I tell myself to turn the worries to prayers. Sometimes I do. More than that, I need to stop worrying, trust God. That has never been an easy thing to do, no matter how often the Bible tells me to. But I am powerless. Beyond putting sensible food into my body and making sure it gets enough rest and exercise, my baby's development is out of my hands now. Mysterious and mundane, foetal development will happen, or, sad possibility, cease, with no conscious input from me. The knitting together in my womb is not carried out by my hands.
*A blood clot, nearly 4 years now, means I need anti-coagulants. I'm 'high risk', technically. No super fluffy midwife-led birthing unit for me, never mind a home birth. This makes me a little sad. I think Rob is relieved.
Sunday, January 05, 2014
7 weeks, 4 days
I have not felt well this weekend. I have been tired and a little groggy and sick. I'm not sure if I should put this down to pregnancy or running out of my antidepressants on Friday. Fortunately, it's an empty weekend.
Rob and I play lots of Magic. He's testing a new deck and wants to play it again and again until he understands it completely. He can beat the decks I've constructed after a few goes, but a red deck called 'Dragonfire' made by our friend Alex proves too much of a challenge. Still, we go on playing, all afternoon, until I'm too tired to continue.
I started this weekend tired, and it looks like I'll end it tired too. Bother.
Rob and I play lots of Magic. He's testing a new deck and wants to play it again and again until he understands it completely. He can beat the decks I've constructed after a few goes, but a red deck called 'Dragonfire' made by our friend Alex proves too much of a challenge. Still, we go on playing, all afternoon, until I'm too tired to continue.
I started this weekend tired, and it looks like I'll end it tired too. Bother.
Thursday, January 02, 2014
7 weeks, 1 day
I went back to work today. It's a shock to leave hibernation mode and have to be awake at 7:15 in the dark to be in the office by 9. I've changed my hours from 4 days of 5.5 hours to 3 days of 7.33 hours. This gives me 2 days off in the week, which I am looking forward to, but it will mean getting up and going home in the dark, at least for the next couple of months.
There have been small exciting things. I told my GP on Wednesday and she was happy for me. I saw a midwife for the first time and made appointments for blood tests and a longer 'booking' appointment. I filled in parts of the handheld notes I have to take to every appointment. I have noticed my heightened sense of smell and dislike of some smells - overflowing bins, unsmoked bacon. I have gone off coffee for breakfast. I'm not sure how far this is psychological - knowing I need to limit caffeine - and how far it is a genuine aversion. I certainly feel hungrier at breakfast and coffee on a relatively empty stomach makes me jittery.
I'm not feeling sick, so far, beyond the odd queasiness at smells. I'm not sure whether to be grateful or alarmed. I am very tired. My breasts are sore. I feel more hungry than usual, though I'm under strict instructions from Rob that I'm not to overeat. The medical appointments make everything feel more real. This is happening. It's happening to me.
There have been small exciting things. I told my GP on Wednesday and she was happy for me. I saw a midwife for the first time and made appointments for blood tests and a longer 'booking' appointment. I filled in parts of the handheld notes I have to take to every appointment. I have noticed my heightened sense of smell and dislike of some smells - overflowing bins, unsmoked bacon. I have gone off coffee for breakfast. I'm not sure how far this is psychological - knowing I need to limit caffeine - and how far it is a genuine aversion. I certainly feel hungrier at breakfast and coffee on a relatively empty stomach makes me jittery.
I'm not feeling sick, so far, beyond the odd queasiness at smells. I'm not sure whether to be grateful or alarmed. I am very tired. My breasts are sore. I feel more hungry than usual, though I'm under strict instructions from Rob that I'm not to overeat. The medical appointments make everything feel more real. This is happening. It's happening to me.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Christmas - 6 weeks
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| My beautiful snuggly niece |
I drank no wine at the work Christmas do. But I did have the convenient excuse of driving down to Exeter immediately afterwards. No wine at the wedding last weekend, despite being surrounded with champagne glasses. But in a largely Christian crowd, that's not unusual. I'm missing out on brie and pate. We shopped for brandy butter, but the supermarket had run out, so there's no smidge of brandy-flavoured sweetness to decide whether or not to forgo.
My parents, sisters and brothers in law know. We opted not to tell grandparents and assorted uncles, aunts and cousins yet. Tomorrow we'll see Rob's family and we'll tell them. (My mother in law will be delighted, hugging me with tears in her eyes).
There's plenty of talk of babies. My niece is 5 weeks and a bit. She's getting lots of cuddles from grandparents and aunties and her great grandma, who is smitten with her. This time last year, she didn't exist. This time next year, all being well, she'll have a new cousin.
I was apprehensive about Christmas. The celebration of a special baby. The miracle of childless Elizabeth conceiving John. It was a struggle to focus on the hope and joy instead of my own pain as I listened to readings and sermons in the weeks leading up to it. Now, unexpectedly, there's only joy.
Mine is no holy baby. Just the ordinary miracle of conception. But I am grateful, for the sudden feeling of being included where I had felt excluded.
Monday, December 16, 2013
4 weeks, 5 days
Best Christmas present ever!
Today I decide to do another test, just to make sure.
I put the cap on the stick and place it on the side of the bath, determined not to look at it until 3 minutes are up. I distract myself with brushing my teeth, not daring to hope. This is just going to be another of those mysteriously long cycles.
3 minutes are up. I look.
Two pink lines
I can't quite believe it. Suddenly, the moment we've been trying to get to for months, almost 2 years, is here. Step 0: get pregnant. I'm overwhelmed with amazement and gratitude and happiness. I spend a little while just sitting with my happiness, hugging it to myself. Then I have to ring Rob.
He doesn't answer, of course. I email him. "Ring me!" He calls my mobile. "I'm pregnant!" "I thought you might be." We are happy. Finally.
I hug the secret to myself a little more while I eat breakfast. But I have to call my mum. Then my sisters. They're all happy. "You're what? Pregnant! Hooray!" "I knew when you rang that's what you'd say."
An overwhelmingly happy day. So glad I have the day at home to process and calm down a bit before I go back to work.
Step 0: get pregnant. Check!
Step 1: stay pregnant. Ongoing.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
a confession
I like cheap clothes. I don't know if it's thrift or stinginess or a love of value for money, but I don't tend to spend very much money on clothes. The only time I have spent over £100 for a dress was my wedding dress. (A relative bargain for bridal wear - £140 on eBay for a shop sample, perhaps £40 in materials and alterations by me). That probably explains the love of charity shopping more than an desire to be ethical. It's fun to rummage and find a bargain.
I've never really been fashionable. My personal style is quirkily feminine. I love dresses and skirts. I prefer natural fibres - cotton, silk, linen as long as it’s smooth, wool if it’s not itchy - to synthetics. I knit for myself – cardigans and jumpers. I’ve sewn a few things – dresses, jackets, skirts – though I’d somewhat out of practice. Right now I am mostly wearing layers of cotton jersey: leggings under short dresses and tunics or a t-shirt and skirt, with a wool cardigan or two for warmth. I like heels for smart occasions, but not for everyday. My current everyday shoes are DMs – a pink pair of shoes and a red pair of knee high boots.
I do appreciate fashion. I was an avid watcher of The Clothes Show as a child and to some extent I understand how catwalk fashion influences trickle down through high end designers to the high street. If money were no object, I would probably wear Vivienne Westwood. I fell for her 1990 Portrait collection - bustiers and velvet and oil paintings - and I love her fierce style. But I have never had the guts to walk in her shop on Conduit Street in London, even when I worked just round the corner from it. Catwalk fashion is like fine art. It's beautiful and strange and not for mere mortals like me.
So what do I spend money on? Right now, a lot of H&M basics in cotton jersey, dresses from Dorothy Perkins, Simply Be, New Look and Asos. My favourite purchases of this year have been a polka dot trench coat from Asos and those red knee high DMs. Both bought in the sale. That's the thing. I often can't bring myself to pay full price for clothes, especially dresses. T-shirts and things are pretty cheap anyway, but a good dress is at least £50, most of the time and that feels like a lot. (Shoes are a different story, but we'll come to that).
So where does that fit into a quest for ethical fashion? Ethical brands are expensive. This is to be expected. Cheap high street fashion relies on cheap materials and labour. Better materials and good working conditions cost more. On the other hand, ethical brands tend to produce higher quality garments that are designed to last. A £200 organic cotton dress ought to be constructed to a higher standard, wear better and last longer than a £15 high street brand designed for a quick disposable fix. This is a lesson I have learned in shoes. A good pair of expensive shoes is worth it in the long run, as it can be maintained and mended. I have boots I've owned for over 10 years. They're a bit shabby now, but serviceable (and would probably not be shabby had I taken better care of them).
So perhaps I should buy less and spend more on classic, beautifully made clothes that will last? I'm not so concerned with following every trend that I have to change my wardrobe every season, so why not go for slow fashion? But what size? Part of my reluctance to spend money on clothes comes from knowing how prone my body is to changing shape and size. In the last 6 years, I have bought clothes with size labels from 12 to 24. In an ideal world, my weight would be constant (and less than it is now) but even then, what of the effect of pregnancy, of illness, of age?
So, the conundrum remains. I shall continue to buy cheap things, I suspect. But I would like to change that, and make better choices. But what choices? Buy less? Buy better? Buy nothing? I am unsure.
I've never really been fashionable. My personal style is quirkily feminine. I love dresses and skirts. I prefer natural fibres - cotton, silk, linen as long as it’s smooth, wool if it’s not itchy - to synthetics. I knit for myself – cardigans and jumpers. I’ve sewn a few things – dresses, jackets, skirts – though I’d somewhat out of practice. Right now I am mostly wearing layers of cotton jersey: leggings under short dresses and tunics or a t-shirt and skirt, with a wool cardigan or two for warmth. I like heels for smart occasions, but not for everyday. My current everyday shoes are DMs – a pink pair of shoes and a red pair of knee high boots.
I do appreciate fashion. I was an avid watcher of The Clothes Show as a child and to some extent I understand how catwalk fashion influences trickle down through high end designers to the high street. If money were no object, I would probably wear Vivienne Westwood. I fell for her 1990 Portrait collection - bustiers and velvet and oil paintings - and I love her fierce style. But I have never had the guts to walk in her shop on Conduit Street in London, even when I worked just round the corner from it. Catwalk fashion is like fine art. It's beautiful and strange and not for mere mortals like me.
So what do I spend money on? Right now, a lot of H&M basics in cotton jersey, dresses from Dorothy Perkins, Simply Be, New Look and Asos. My favourite purchases of this year have been a polka dot trench coat from Asos and those red knee high DMs. Both bought in the sale. That's the thing. I often can't bring myself to pay full price for clothes, especially dresses. T-shirts and things are pretty cheap anyway, but a good dress is at least £50, most of the time and that feels like a lot. (Shoes are a different story, but we'll come to that).
So where does that fit into a quest for ethical fashion? Ethical brands are expensive. This is to be expected. Cheap high street fashion relies on cheap materials and labour. Better materials and good working conditions cost more. On the other hand, ethical brands tend to produce higher quality garments that are designed to last. A £200 organic cotton dress ought to be constructed to a higher standard, wear better and last longer than a £15 high street brand designed for a quick disposable fix. This is a lesson I have learned in shoes. A good pair of expensive shoes is worth it in the long run, as it can be maintained and mended. I have boots I've owned for over 10 years. They're a bit shabby now, but serviceable (and would probably not be shabby had I taken better care of them).
So perhaps I should buy less and spend more on classic, beautifully made clothes that will last? I'm not so concerned with following every trend that I have to change my wardrobe every season, so why not go for slow fashion? But what size? Part of my reluctance to spend money on clothes comes from knowing how prone my body is to changing shape and size. In the last 6 years, I have bought clothes with size labels from 12 to 24. In an ideal world, my weight would be constant (and less than it is now) but even then, what of the effect of pregnancy, of illness, of age?
So, the conundrum remains. I shall continue to buy cheap things, I suspect. But I would like to change that, and make better choices. But what choices? Buy less? Buy better? Buy nothing? I am unsure.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Ethical fashion for me?
My favourite style blogs have the occasional
round of ‘Ethical fashion’ – usually a mixture of small, independent labels and Etsy sellers and the better known brands like People Tree. Today I read Lori's post on ethical dresses. As per usual, I found the selection frustrating. As I clicked through to the gorgeous frocks, every single beautiful printed cotton skirt and draped silk
dress comes in a tiny range of sizes from super skinny to just about
average, i.e. UK8 – UK16, maybe a UK18 if you’re very very lucky. This
frustrates me.
I am a UK size 22. I have been thinner. I have
been fatter. I’m currently working on reducing that number,
but as I’m also trying to get pregnant, I
suspect it’s going to be a little while before I can hope to be in what most
clothing manufacturers consider 'normal' sizes*. I'm not going to go naked or clothed in sackcloth and ashes until I'm 'normal sized'. I would prefer to wear clothes, ones that fit me and that I enjoy. And I would like to have the chance to think and make choices about the ethics of the processes and practices behind the clothing I buy.
When I'm slimmer, I shop mostly in charity shops and vintage stores. I always buy underwear and shoes new, but for everything else, second hand is fine. Buying pre-owned is one way to shop ethically. Reuse prevents useable items from being thrown away, saves on energy used in manufacturing and transporting goods and in the case of charity shops, provides useful income for charities. But, if you're a larger than average size, your options are reduced. There are fewer things to find in second hand shops and you can forget buying vintage!
So, what does that leave me if I want to be ethical about buying clothes? Well, ethical can mean different things. To me it means that I would like the people who made the clothes to be paid a living wage and to work in safe and fair conditions. It means that I would like to minimise the amount of pollution and waste produced in the process of making and transporting clothes. That might mean organically produced fibres, but I'm not completely convinced that organic is synonymous with ethical. I'd like not to contribute more than necessary to carbon emissions and global warming. There are different aspects to consider. Is it more ethical to minimise transport miles by buying from solely UK-based manufacturers, where the whole process from plant or sheep to garment is carried out with as little travel as possible? Or is it better to support garment workers in Bangladesh or another developing country by buying from a company who ensure that they are properly paid and work in safe conditions? And how do I find out the processes involved in making that awesome dress or fantastic pair of shoes?
I don't know the answers yet, but I want to find out. I have moaned to others for too long. Let's see what I can discover and do. What do you think? Where do you shop?
* I don’t like the phrase ‘plus-sized’ but it’s widely understood to mean anything above a size 16, so I’ll continue to use it. (I like zaftig, but it’s not a common word).
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